After three days men grow weary of a wench, the weather rainy, and their wife’s sister. Why is she staying with us again? Really, explain it to me.
God helps them that help themselves; what am I, your maid?
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead … and the third one was paying attention and not just pretending to, like with the combination to the supply room; I need Post-it notes.
Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, wise, and he doesn’t have to watch Leno’s monologue.
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards; she never lost the baby weight.
The worst wheel of a cart makes the most noise; why do I always come to the supermarket after work, it’s such a zoo?
Fish and visitors and my yoga mat stink after three days.
A good lawyer, a bad neighbor; a bad neighbor, a good sitcom.
Well done is better than well said … though ordering a steak “well said” confuses the hell out of the waiter.
When there’s no Law, there’s no Bread, but check aisle 5 just to be sure.
Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy, as is that girl who plays “13” on House … am I right?
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure; an ounce of coke is worth, like, ten grand.
A little neglect may breed great mischief … for want of a nail the shoe was lost; for want of a shoe the horse was lost; and for want of a horse the rider was lost. Wait … what? OK … no more Jäger shots—I’m wasted.
Remember that time is money—ideally, Euros.
We must all hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately; washed with like colors, tumble dry on low.
A penny saved is a penny I can’t spend on that blonde from accounting who wears leggings and knee-high boots, and I love blondes in leggings and knee-high boots, so if you think I’m saving that penny you’re insane.