Send your list submissions to email@example.com.
The Seven Laws of Higher Self-Esteem.
BY WYNN QUON
1. High esteem is like a potato. Peel it and fry it in some butter.
2. It’s too late for you to be the first person on the moon, but it’s not too late for you to complain about it.
3. Remember the rules of electricity: positive attracts negative. So be negative to attract the positive. Also, negative repels negative. Double win!
4. Use the Internet more, because the Internet is not going to use itself.
5. Think of some possession you’re grateful for. Is it food? Is it TV? OK, I give up.
6. You can’t change people. They have to change themselves. Just like babies.
7. One man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter. One man’s meat is another man’s poison. Add it up and you get one big poisonous-meat-terrorist freedom fighter.
SUGGESTED READSList: Papers Appearing in Science Magazine’s “Reflections on Self” Issue
by Jennifer Frazier (7/15/2002)
List: Cinematic Expressions of Inner Self-Loathing If There Were No Mirrors to Smash
by Ross Murray (3/18/2005)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to My Self Respect
by Cate Santilli (9/4/2010)
RECENTLYSuper Powers I Wish I Had
by Josh Herman (7/29/2016)
Monologue: Donatello Will Have You Know that If the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Were Little Women, Raphael Would Totally Be Amy
by Philip Wolfe (7/29/2016)
List: Demands from California Delegation BernieBros to NOT Disrupt Hillary Clinton’s Acceptance Speech
by Christopher Monks and John Warner (7/28/2016)
POPULARList: Comforting Thoughts for #NeverHillary Bernie Supporters After Trump’s First Term
by David Kawalec (7/26/2016)
These Smart Swimming Trunks Automatically Remind You to Be Self-Conscious!
by Chris Brotzman (7/22/2016)
List: Who Said It? Donald Trump or Regina George?
by Amber Karlins (7/22/2016)