The Super Bowl:
5 Years From Now.
BY BEN JURNEY
[Originally published January 31, 2014.]
ANNOUNCER #1: He’s broken free, he sprints past the 30 yard line–-
ANNOUNCER #2 : 30 yard line sponsored by Arby’s!
ANNOUNCER #1: He’s to the 15–-
ANNOUNCER #2: Brought to you by FedEx!
ANNOUNCER #1: And into the end zone!
ANNOUNCER #2: Made possible by Doritos!
ANNOUNCER #2: Now, it’s hard to tell at exactly what point the Chevrolet Volt decal falls off the game ball.
ANNOUNCER #1: You can see [points] the “2.3% APR” hit the ground right there.
ANNOUNCER #2: But is it enough to overturn the call?
ANNOUNCER #1: The only thing we can say for sure is Chevy is the most trusted name in cars.
ANNOUNCER #2: True.
ANNOUNCER #1: Here comes the referee.
[Referee runs onto the field, switches on microphone.]
REFEREE: There is no foul on the play. Just warm holiday wishes from our friends at John Deere.
ANNOUNCER #1: Another great call.
ANNOUNCER #1: AND HE COULD GO ALL. THE. WAY. INTO. TARGET. AND. GET. HALF OFF. ON. FEATURED. ITEMS. THIS. COMING. WEEK!
ANNOUNCER #1: And Pro Bowl running back GEICO Jones has now rushed for over 100 yards.
ANNOUNCER #2: This guy bears almost no resemblance to the State-Farm Jones we knew in Miami. It’s like night and day, Keith.
ANNOUNCER #1: Everyone loves GEICO.
ANNOUNCER #2: Especially that 18-24-year-old demographic.
ANNOUNCER #1: Here comes the field goal unit.
ANNOUNCER #2: This will decide the game.
ANNOUNCER #1: Let’s see if WalGreens Bay’s kicker is bold enough to strike between the tall, hard poles–-reclaiming his manhood as the hot, tropical wind caresses his sensitive face.
ANNOUNCER #1: [Squirms]… Cialis.
SUGGESTED READSA Transcript Of Yesterday’s Super Bowl Halftime Show, As It Happened In A Parallel Universe That Only I Can See
by Tim Carvell (1/29/2001)
Super Bowl Lore
by Adam Underhill (2/4/2005)
Famous Authors Predict the Winner of Super Bowl XLII
by Shane Ryan (2/1/2008)
RECENTLYThis is Your Intervention, Mike
by Allison Sanchez (8/30/2016)
List: A Millennial’s Hierarchy of Needs
by Matt Greenberg (8/30/2016)
Teddy Wayne’s Unpopular Proverbs: Barns
by Teddy Wayne (8/30/2016)
POPULARI Would Rather Do Anything Else Than Write the Syllabus for Your Class
by Robin Lee Mozer (8/25/2016)
Do You Have a Child or Have You Just Been Followed Home By a Hyena?
by Kira Jane Buxton (8/23/2016)
List: Facebook Posts by People You Went to High School With Scavenger Hunt—Election Edition
by Derrick Fenner (8/23/2016)