Do you care deeply about philanthropy and charity work? Do you also find that with your career, relationships, hobbies and social gatherings, you have little time to participate in an actual charity, much less leftover funds to donate to worthy causes? Then welcome to the Third Line. We consist of humanitarians, from all walks of life, who care deeply about the Earth and most of the things living on it, and who do not have all day to organize bake sales and marches. We’re also building an App.
If you are a volunteer interested in constructing houses in Rwanda, or caring for displaced elephants in Thailand, or teaching English in Bolivia, then the Third Line is not for you. But if you’re into housesitting for the Rwanda expedition while they’re overseas. Or attending parties to raise money for the elephant purists. Or perhaps your specialty is spending time with the English teachers’ wives and husbands, who like us also don’t want to live in South America but wish to support the cause while enjoying charity functions and illicit sex back home with like-minded philanthropists while their beloveds are gone. If so we’re looking for people like you. Visit our Mission page for details.
The first line of humanitarian aid consists of the best specimens of our species, if psychologically questionable, who tie each other to trees to save the wood from being harvested. The second line is the conservationists who organize events to raise money so the first line can afford to stand around forests all day. The third line is us, the marrow of the charity circuit, who show up to fundraisers and purchase half-price drinks and fifty-fifty raffle tickets. Without our hard-earned money and steadfast socializing, there wouldn’t be any trees left.
Brave people who parachute into flood zones, or rescue seals from fishing nets — they have dogs. And those dogs need to be walked and played with. They have Jacuzzis that must be used regularly so the water doesn’t develop a slimy film. They have bicycles to be ridden, tree houses to be sat in, grandmothers who cook casseroles and cookies that would otherwise go to waste. That’s where we come in. Third line volunteers snuggle puppies. We eat grandma casseroles. To ensure first line Samaritans concentrate on their humanitarian efforts, we provide back rubs and meaningless sex for their lonely partners back home, whatever it takes. Visit our Contact page today.
Our contact page is under construction. To reduce administrative costs, we have no employees. Also, no one really wanted to take on a leadership role. That’s why we’re building the App, so we can all sort of communally run Third Line from our phones while on the subway, or during meetings, or whenever we get a few minutes in the day.
If you happen to be a web developer and know how to build Apps, or a venture capitalist who would like to join Third Line as our CFO, email us. We check the inbox when we can.
That’s our motto. We even had T-shirts printed. We encourage members to Get Involved! But not so involved that they neglect friends and family, or careers, or softball practice, or fantasy football, or keeping up on the latest movies and books. There will always be hardship. There will always be do-gooders who volunteer for relief efforts. And so long as we get that App built, there will always be a Third Line of Humanitarian Aid at cocktail parties. Visit our Donations page now.
The donate link broke. If you see someone wearing a THIRD LINE-GET INVOLVED! T-shirt at a fundraiser, they’re probably one of us. Give them some money to support our cause. Apps aren’t cheap.
Jon Methven’s new novel Strange Boat is out now.