Happy birthday! As we wish you another year of joy and prosperity, we also acknowledge that many in the world are less fortunate. So, in lieu of a gift, a donation has been made in your name to several worthy causes.

We donated in your name to a charity that gives laptops to endangered wetlands. What they do is whip MacBooks into swamps and hope that the algae and duckweed somehow benefit from the Wi-Fi. It’s a bad idea, but their logo of a frog sitting on a detached keyboard like some nightmare lily pad is pretty cool.

Also, we donated fifty hammers to a nonprofit that forces Jimmy Carter to build houses then knocks them down, so he has to start over. It’s all in good fun, though. They even let him see his family sometimes.

But there’s more. Ever heard of the Red Cross? We donated a big blob of congealed blood to their headquarters. It’s blocking all their cars, but imagine what they can do with it once it melts!

Speaking of noble medical causes, we pledged $40,000 in your name to the American Heart Association. We told them you’re good for it, so you better not stiff them. Seriously. They have a guy with wide knuckles whose name is Knuckles. His go-to move? Roundhouse kick.

Of course, money isn’t everything. We also signed you up for an eight-month stint as one of those dunk-tank clowns who amuse children. Only, instead of water, this tank will have scorpions. But they’ll be perfectly harmless once they’ve had their stingers removed, a duty we also signed you up for.

The office supplies we stole from your home were sent to a charity that teaches disadvantaged kids how to write wrong. The staff is tirelessly committed to making the children believe that Ps are Ds, commas are little hooks for words to hang their coats, and vowels are a CIA hoax.

A subtraction has been made in your name from the local 7-Eleven at gunpoint. We know, your first instinct will be to change your name to avoid prosecution. Don’t. It would be disrespectful to our gift. Plus, somebody’s taking the fall for this, and after all we’ve done for you, it sure as hell won’t be us.

A donation has been made in your name to the Bronx Zoo to help them buy a hippo that walks around on hind legs and punches walls. If such a hippo does not exist, we’ve included instructions on how to breed one. They’ll need two super aggressive hippos, plus a bed with silk sheets. Knuckles will be on hand to ensure no one mutes the slow jams.

We have founded our own charity and made a sizable donation in your name using some of the 7-Eleven funds. Our mission? To send a second Mars rover up there to knife the first one and make the whole thing look like an accident. We’re giving it a bag of space drugs to plant.

You’re probably wondering why we’ve given so generously in your name even though we’ve only just met. Well, now we’re donating to a charity that says we don’t have to answer that. It’s a free country, and if we want to tail a random stranger for weeks without their knowledge before walking into their backyard birthday party, that’s no one’s business but ours.

If you didn’t want us here, you should have made your fence taller and more slick.

This will not stop until you donate to Habitat for Embarrassment, a new organization dedicated to humiliating you, specifically. Next week they’re having a banquet where a boys’ choir sings about your stubby fingers. They’re hosting a 5K where all the runners have vowed never to have sex with you. They raffled off the chance to kick you with a big shoe.

Anyway, nice to meet you—have a great night. Also, we will be donating your other presents to the trunk of your car, then donating your car to ourselves.

See you at Christmas!