Ahoy There,

I have scheduled a meeting for Wednesday, at fourteen hundred hours (2:30 p.m.). As lunch service will have slowed down by then, all crew and First Mates are expected to attend. We will be addressing the following:

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1. Last Week’s Birthday Incident.

The Cap’n’s fryers are to be used for one thing and one thing only, and that is to prepare appropriate menu items in accordance to the instructions in the Cap’n’s fryer manual. The fryers are NOT toys and are to be used by trained GALLEY MATES ONLY. They should not be touched by Crew Mates OR First Mates OR Shift Captains.

It goes without saying that there is nothing funny about deep-frying one of the Cap’n’s complimentary birthday gifts. Aside from being against policy, IT IS DANGEROUS and could cost Cap’n Cook’s our Waterfront Vendor’s License, putting all of us out on the high seas at low tide in the national economy.

By the way, the complimentary birthday gifts are for little boy and girl mates only, and should be placed on the little birthday boy or girl’s plate.

As it stands, we were not able to serve any Sizzlin’ Tailz, Krabz, Kiddie Krabz, or Buckets o’ Bites all day Saturday and most of Sunday, which are two of our busiest days, on account of needing a special Fryer Mate to fly in to do repairs. When the crew member(s) did what they did (you know who you are) they succeeded in clogging the fryer, because at 480 degrees, parts of the CD plastic packaging separated from the actual CD and melted their way into the machine’s parts, internally blocking off the aeration vents that keep the hot oil circulating. This means the special Fryer Mate, paid at double-time, mind you, had to take the machine apart completely.

There is currently one First Mate (Scott) and a Shift Captain (David) who will lose requested vacation days for not keeping an eye on the birthday table. Additional Crew Mates (Steven) will be addressed at the meeting.

We have replaced the guest’s Birthday CD and have included a gift certificate for dinner for two (noted on certificate that we are currently unable to offer any of the Cap’n’s delicious fried appetizers or fish n’ chips) with the sincere apology from the Cap’n. Let’s make sure we do better next time.

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2. Employee Locker Guidelines.

Keeping your shiftwear in an employee locker is a privilege, not a right. As a general reminder, the lockers are to contain your uniform, including hat, one Pirate Prop (sword, eye patch, or hook/hand) and you are additionally allowed, as a courtesy, to keep a couple of personal items, such as contact solution, hygienic items, etc. on board. The only exception is a Shift Captain. Shift Captains may also store their monthly Pride of the Sea crew-performance review notes, clipboard, etc. in locker.

Under no circumstances may any crew member(s) use lockers to store marijuana. The Cap’n is not running a drug boat here, people. What you do when you’re “at port” is your own business, mateys. What you do when you’re on board is you follow the Cap’n’s rules. Remember: The Cap’n’ says, “Let’s leave the grass at home, growing on the front lawn, where the grass belongs.”

When you’re working, we need you working with a clear head. So, leave sweet Mary Jane to socialize with other girls with whatever names those girls have.

In other words, leave your Native American friend Chief Sweet Leaf at home and visit him after work is over and do something at that time.

Okay, okay, the Cap’n is running his fun flag up the mast, coming up with some of this slang terminology, but illegal drugs are no funny matter and will result in termination, no questions asked. I’ve got kids, so I know all the new words for it, as well as the old standbys. So, while I might be having some fun here with words for pot/tea/bud/stick/jam/grandpa/shake/magic dragon/chronic/tits/grass/Negro/The-old-shit-stick/smoke, I AM DEAD SERIOUS about firing any matey who does not heed the Cap’n’s rules regarding dope/weed/m.j./root/plant/etc.

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3. New Shift Drink Policy Effective Yesterday.

The Cap’n likes to be able to offer his crew a little nip of the ship’s cask after the decks have been swabbed. The ONE COMPLIMENTARY DRINK is any of your choice, not including top shelf specialty liquor. There is a new rule preventing crew mates from “instructing” bartender in the making of drink. The complimentary drink should be a standard, and you can see the Cap’n’s bartending recipe booklet if you have a question as to what this includes. Your shift drink is not an opportunity to mix large quantities of alcohol together in experimental indulgence. Furthermore, your one complimentary drink should fit in a glass. We have had far too many incidents involving complimentary drinks swelling to the size of a sand bucket, and, I’m sorry, that b******t is just not going to fly, mateys.

Also, if alcohol has been leading you to sexual relations (Candace) with customers, liquor sales reps, or other waterfront employees, the Cap’n asks that you drink elsewhere. We are a family restaurant, and we don’t need family patrons witnessing a highly intoxicated foam rubber incarnation of our corporate identity making drunken sexual advances on area merchants and vendors. C’mon, folks…. That is NOT the kind of ship we run. Give me three cheers of “Ahoy!” and let’s clean up the sexual misconduct, green weed, etc., okay?

Ahoy! Ahoy! Ahoy!

The Cap’n