On the FIRST day of Christmas, my workplace gave to me: A change to the bonus policy.*

* Due to ill-advised capital investments we made during the year, we will be replacing your annual cash bonus with a frozen chicken, donated by a Board member whose grocery empire will gladly use the gift as a tax write-off.

On the SECOND day of Christmas, my workplace gave to me: Two execs a-fighting*… and a change to the bonus policy.

* With our CEO announcing his long-overdue retirement, our CFO and CMO are engaged in a corporate turf war, gobbling up departments and teams in a real-life version of Settlers of Catan.

On the THIRD day of Christmas, my workplace gave to me: Three dead pens,* two execs a’ fighting … and a change to the bonus policy.

* Due to a nationwide shortage of titanium dioxide, our company-branded writing utensils arrived without any ink. Please utilize No. 2 pencils, Crayola Crayons, or X-acto knives for your manual writing needs until the issue can be rectified.

On the FOURTH day of Christmas, my workplace gave to me: four college grads,* three dead pens, two execs a’ fighting… and a change to the bonus policy.

* As part of our ongoing efficiency strategy, we will be replacing our highly paid and experienced analytics team with a group of liberal arts university graduates who have massive student loans but are nonetheless willing to work for minimum wage, free avocado toast, and unlimited use of the corporate ping-pong table.

On the FIFTH day of Christmas, my workplace gave to me: FIVE GOLDEN RULES!*… four college grads, three dead pens, two execs a’ fighting… and a change to the bonus policy.

* Our new Company Values are as follows: (1.) Come in early (2.) Stay late (3.) Don’t ask questions (4.) Watch your back (5.) You may want to hold off a few days before trying to cash your paycheck.

On the SIXTH day of Christmas, my workplace gave to me: Six geeks delaying,* five golden rules, four college grads, three dead pens, two execs a’ fighting… and a change to the bonus policy.

* Due to company cost overruns in the fourth quarter, the IT team regrets to inform you that all technologies are on back order until next year. To temporarily replace a broken phone or laptop, you are welcome to root through the IT storage cabinet, currently filled with Commodore 64 parts and a few bedazzled Sidekicks.

On the SEVENTH day of Christmas, my workplace gave to me: Seven saps a-yapping,* six geeks delaying, five golden rules, four college grads, three dead pens, two execs a’ fighting… and a change to the bonus policy.

* To create a more collaborative culture, the company will be replacing all offices and cubicles with vibrant, table-based collaboration pods designed to boost real-time decision-making, problem-solving, and physical violence.

On the EIGHTH day of Christmas, my workplace gave to me: Eight orgs re-orging*, seven saps a-yapping, six geeks delaying, five golden rules, four college grads, three dead pens, two execs a’ fighting… and a change to the bonus policy.

* Please note that we will be undertaking a company-wide re-organization in early January. All positions will be eliminated, with employees invited to re-apply for a smaller number of new roles, featuring poorly defined job descriptions and increased workloads.

On the NINTH day of Christmas, my workplace gave to me: Nine potluck meatballs,* eight orgs re-orging, seven saps a-yapping, six geeks delaying, five golden rules, four college grads, three dead pens, two execs a’ fighting… and a change to the bonus policy.

* To accommodate all employee food allergies and intolerances, we are happy to report that this year’s buffet meatballs have been made without meat, dairy, gluten, eggs, nuts, soy, spices, or sauce. They are also locally sourced, cruelty-free, and keto. However, please be advised, Karen, they are not paleo.

On the TENTH day of Christmas, my workplace gave to me: Ten lawyers meeting,* nine potluck meatballs, eight orgs re-orging, seven saps a-yapping, six geeks delaying, five golden rules, four college grads, three dead pens, two execs a’ fighting… and a change to the bonus policy.

* The corporate legal department is at an all-day, off-site meeting where they are attempting to strip the CEO’s annual holiday message of any humanity, as well as any controversial terms related to religion, ethnicity, political leanings, climate change, or gender identity. As such, please be aware our newly approved seasonal greeting is “Have a December.”

On the ELEVENTH day of Christmas, my workplace gave to me: Eleven trainers training,* ten lawyers meeting, nine potluck meatballs, eight orgs re-orging, seven saps a-yapping, six geeks delaying, five golden rules, four college grads, three dead pens, two execs a’ fighting… and a change to the bonus policy.

* Reminder: All teams are required to attend the new mandatory corporate training program by year-end. This leading-edge seminar wraps the complex principles of organizational change into a condescending pirate theme, supported by a variety of humiliating group activities. Peg legs available for a nominal fee.

On the TWELFTH day of Christmas, my workplace gave to me: Twelve colleagues cuddling,* eleven trainers training, ten lawyers meeting, nine potluck meatballs, eight orgs re-orging, seven saps a-yapping, six geeks delaying, five golden rules, four college grads, three dead pens, two execs a’ fighting… and a change to the bonus policy.

* Effective immediately, any form of human contact during this year’s holiday party is strictly forbidden. This list includes, but is not limited to, the following activities: lingering pats on the back; handshakes, high-fives, or fist-bumps; hugs or kisses; and any type of sexual intercourse (e.g., boinking, balling, screwing, buttering the biscuit, feeding the kitty, glazing the doughnut, bam-bam in the ham, jerking it where she’s twerking it, paddling up Coochie Creek, plowing through the bean field, riding the Bony Express, smacking the salmon, tripping down the mineshaft, or taking the bald-headed gnome for a stroll in the misty forest).