If you are here today in my lawyer’s office, it is because I am dead. This should come as no surprise. After all, I sent you all an email to announce that I was finally using that Groupon I bought for the Vodka Shots ‘n Skydiving Experience, the only Groupon that requires patrons to update their wills before use. As their tagline says, “Things Might Get Weird” and spoiler alert: they did.
Now, you may remember that my previous last will and testament left all of my worldly possessions and considerable assets to you, my family. You were the most important part of my life. Oh, how I treasured you. However, in the time since I wrote that document until now, when I am scattered over a few acres of Monsanto cornfields, one important thing occurred: I joined Facebook. Therefore, please note that my edited and now final bequeaths are as follows:
- To my sister Laurie, who was my constant companion during our childhood, with whom I remember joyfully catching fireflies and fishing in the town stream, and who recently posted a crude illustration of Donald Trump and Jesus Christ together in the Oval Office with the caption “America’s Dream Team!!!” I leave nothing.
- To my brother Tom, who regularly shares Breitbart links to stories claiming that Obama is behind a secret Muslim plot to destroy all of Alabama’s nativity scenes and Waffle Houses, I leave nothing.
- To my cousin Jim, who publicly commented on our beloved elderly neighbor Ethel’s picture of a sunset with, “Your being paid by Soros. you frekin snowflake feminazi’s,” I leave nothing except a remedial copy of Grammar for Dummies and a strong suggestion to see a neurologist.
- To my cousin Tamra, who kept adding me to her private Facebook group for fans of yoga pants, I leave nothing. That is not political. I just hate being added to private Facebook groups.
- To my nephew Alfie, whose reaction to my post about registering to vote was a GIF of a puking goat, I leave nothing.
- To my niece Millicent who gave a heart to cousin Alfie’s GIF of a puking goat, I leave nothing and I have also added her to a private Facebook group for fans of yoga pants.
- To cousins Steve, Mike, and Larry — you know what? Let’s speed this along much like my body did when it plummeted to earth after I was drunkenly strapped into a parachute by three millennial vodka brand reps named Kayleigh.
- If you’ve ever used an eagle as your biopic, or an American flag, or an eagle wearing an American flag, if you’ve ever boycotted Starbucks because of their cups, if you’ve ever called people holding AK-47’s “real Americans,” if you’ve ever justified why immigrant kids should be kept in cages, if you’ve ever felt entitled to pass judgment on what a woman does with her own body, if you’ve ever voted for Ted fucking Cruz — I can’t emphasize that one enough, I mean good god, choosing Ted Cruz — if you’ve ever called climate change a myth, if you’ve ever read something from a Russian bot and believed it, if you’ve ever Liked Ivanka Trump’s Facebook page, or, most important, if you’ve ever left a comment on Donald Trump’s wall calling him, “Sir,” what I am leaving you is jack shit.
- Except for these Groupon vouchers for the Vodka Shots ‘n Skydiving Experience. You’re all definitely getting one of those.