During this challenging time, finding just the right psychotherapist can be daunting. To streamline the process, we have classified all the therapists in our online directory into twelve basic types:

The Humanist

“Hi, friend. Allow me to introduce you to my ‘therapy cat.’ His name is Jeffreyanydots and he roams wherever he pleases. Notice how he makes lots of eye contact with you? That’s because Jeffreyanydots and I are both empaths. As a humanist, I stand apart from other therapists because I wear slacks and often use words like ‘slacks.’ Between clients, find me eating microwaveable mug cake and longing for the 1970s, when clinical nudity was more acceptable.”

The Cognitive Behaviorist

“Greetings. In my experience, everything is either a thought or a behavior. Even this coffee mug right here. Just watch what happens when I gently nudge — Oops! Jeez, it really shattered all over the place. See those ‘shards,’ though? Those aren’t shards. They are merely thoughts and behaviors about shards. Take a sec and think about that. It’s deep. Between clients, I vape.”

The Psychodynamic Therapist

“I used to be a hot mess, but around here I’m basically a rock star. Fully optimized, if you know what I mean. Even during a pandemic, I like to keep therapy intense, awkward, and fully in the ‘Here & Now.’ My therapeutic interventions are artisanal, yet enigmatic. You may recognize me by my sleeve tattoo featuring a likeness of Salvador Ferenczi doing deadlifts. Between patients, you can find me dialing-in my Stitch Fix profile or doing burpees to the point of muscle failure.”

New Age Therapist

“Some call me ‘The Great White Hype,’ but I prefer to be known simply as ‘Old Soul.’ My hobbies include cultural appropriation and shamanism. I’m also into any activity, event, or global calamity that allows me to smile knowingly while holding a piece of quartzite. Deep down, I suspect that I am the reincarnation of Jim Morrison or someone super spiritual like that. Between clients, find me microdosing while shopping for linen shirts on Amazon.”

Emotionally-Focused Therapist

“I view the psyche as a vast, sprawling ecosystem in which each emotion is like a wild animal. My job is to classify and help you tame those beasts so you can get back to what matters most: hardcore chillaxin’. As an emotionally-focused therapist, I’m easy to spot because I’m really into wearing sandals with socks. I also have a framed poster of a ‘feelings wheel’ in my office. Between clients, I simply don my Klipsch Heritage HP-3 headphones and watch ASMR videos.”

Family Therapist

“I assure you that I am, in no way, a ticking time bomb. Check out the background of my profile photo. See that photo of a mama duck with her ducklings hanging above my couch? I took that photograph myself. I am well-regarded and have produced several youtube videos explaining how ‘emotional honesty’ works. Deep down, though, I long for the 1980s, when it was permissible to have patients unload on each other with foam Bataka Bats. Between patients, find me screaming into a decorative throw pillow and/or watching MMA highlight reels.”

Transpersonal Therapist

“Ahoy, fellow psychonauts! At long last, the time has come for humankind to evolve by any means necessary — Tarot cards! Holotropic breathwork! And, yes, even channeling a medieval beggar-thief named ‘Clyde!’ My hobbies include altered states, Altered States, and pining for the 1200s, when more people believed in hobgoblins. Between clients, you can find me chilling with Clyde & watching Ghost Hunters on my laptop!”

Lacanian Therapist

“Unlike these other bourgeoisie therapists, I am brilliant, recondite… and, most certainly, hungover. But check out the titles on the bookshelf behind me. Some real heavy-hitters, no? Baudrillard, Foucault — Oh, god, I think I’m going to puke… Whew! Close call. Before setting up an appointment, please be aware that I frequently end sessions within five minutes, citing Lacan’s practice of ‘scanding’ as precedent. Between patients, you can find me in my Herman Miller office chair, committing insurance fraud.”

Gestalt Therapist

“OK, let’s cut the crap and get a few things straight: If you and I end up working together, you will speak to me only in the present tense. If you speak in the past or future tenses, I will grimace. Also, I tend to wear a fitted leather jacket during our scheduled appointments. But if you comment on my fitted leather jacket in any way, I will grimace. Between clients, you can find me listening to an industrial music playlist while conversing with an empty chair. This has meaning. Deep down, I long for the 1960s, when Esalen was still Esalen.”

Life Coach

“I invite you to think of me not as a counselor, but as more of a consigliere. Someone who, with one pithy aphorism after another, will tell you exactly what you need to do: find a lover (Drop that zero and get with a hero!), manage your money (Don’t let it manage you!), and clean your apartment (Your apartment is filthy!). Between clients, you can find me day trading and listening to Jonathan Livingston Seagull on Audible.”

Somatic Therapist

“Some therapists think the ‘mind’ is where it’s at. Wrong! From my profile photo, you may notice the many yoga mats, blocks & straps I typically like to keep on hand. You may also notice a pair of large rubber balls contained in a mesh sack. Although they are strictly therapeutic, the mere sight of these will make you uncomfortable — but not nearly as uncomfortable as I will make you by asking ‘Where in your body, exactly, do you feel your aversion to my therapy balls?’ Between clients, you can find me rehearsing my contact improv moves.”

Eclectic Therapist

“They call me ‘The Shapeshifter.’ Who am I? Well… who do you need me to be? It’s weird, but literally all things seem to be within my wheel house. What?! Identity crisis? Me?! That’s crazy. Oh, I sound crazy? More like crazy adaptive! As an eclectic therapist, I can be hard to distinguish from other clinicians because I have no identifying characteristics at all, beyond the ficus plant on my desk. You see, I am water. I am wind. I am ether…”