TO: Everyone in the United Staes
FROM: The United States
SUBJECT: I can’t.

Dear citizens —

As you can see, I’m not home because… well, I just can’t right now. I don’t know if you kids understand this, but I haven’t been in a great place for the last two hundred years — maybe even more — and I need some “me” time.

I’m just so tired of all the infighting and systemic racism and men who flash their genitals on public transit. I raised a bunch of vaping monsters, and I honestly don’t know where I went wrong. Well, I have some guesses related to letting old white men hold all the voting rights back in the day and Amazon Prime, but it’s probably a combo. I’ve made some mistakes — and, hey, what hegemonic power hasn’t? Anyway, I got you AOC and I’m hoping she can try to right the ship while I’m at the beach with a marg and the latest Gillian Flynn. (I got an advanced copy — being me has its perks.)

As you’ve probably guessed by now, I’ve taken a trip with Germany (you know, the cool one from NATO) to somewhere undisclosed. She has a timeshare and while I can’t give you specifics just know that I’ll be getting life-changing craniosacral massages and there’s an all-you-can-eat buffet (thank god I stopped dieting in the 1950s!). Maybe I’ll even meet a handsome stranger. He’ll revive my passion for life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness and I’ll love his rock hard abs. Me-ow! (Sorry, but your mother country’s a sexual being too and it’s time we all just dealt with it.)

Just a couple of things for while I’m out of the country (literally):

  • I was going to leave dinner in the fridge, but that’s what Uncle Florida is for. I’m sure he’ll feed you jalapeno poppers or whatever vegetable can be turned into fried cheese these days. Try not to drink too many Bud Lime-A-Ritas or disenfranchise millions of voters while you’re down there.
  • Please, please, PLEASE do NOT call unless it’s an emergency — and I’m talking about the nuke codes about to be used kind of emergency. Anything else is unacceptable. It’s not that the United States doesn’t love you, it’s just that I have a lot on my plate. I know I’d feel better if I just had more multilateralism and international cooperation, but I also have Oscar movies I need to catch up on.
  • If England calls, tell her I just can’t listen to her drone on and on about Brexit. It’s like, I have needs too! Like, trying to figure out what I’m going to do with Uncle Florida once he’s completely underwater. You know that fool can’t swim!
  • Ignore any calls from Russia. Tell him I need my privacy and I don’t want to hear it unless it’s about the pee tape. (If it’s about the pee tape, which absolutely exists, I need you to text me ASAP. The reception’s not great here, but I’m able to get on Wi-Fi in the lobby.) If things get really bad, you can always call your Aunt Oregon; if she can handle bears and hippies, she can handle a few Russian operatives.
  • Don’t answer the door to any strangers, especially if they are white nationalists. You’ll think they look harmless with their polo shirts and khakis and love of milk, but they are terrifying. We should probably focus our police efforts on them, and not people of color, but right now I just need Calgon to take me away!
  • Don’t forget to water the plants while I’m out. I’ll probably be back by 2020. Or when another 50 Shades movie comes out. They say they’re done, but I don’t believe them.

I’m sorry if you feel abandoned, but sometimes you just gotta focus on you and your emotional borders, and not stress over a man-made border that will take billions of dollars to construct and will collapse once the rising seas engulf us anyway.

Gotta go — it’s wine o’clock in the lobby!

The U.S.