Tall Man with Head Like a Crow’s (standing in his office near a window): This office is different because our lunch hour runs from 2:30 to 3:30.

Man with Bad Teeth (squatting in cubicle): This office is different because we don’t have coffee. We do, however, have caffeinated fruit. (He holds up a red banana.) It’s from Brazil.

Young Artsy-Looking Woman (sitting behind reception desk): When I got here they told me, “‘Christmas party’ is not a verb.” And you know what, they were right. Not a single person threw up or touched me inappropriately all night.

Woman with a Fistful of Pencils (emerging from restroom): This office is different because instead of having reimbursement checks disbursed through accounting, we have Leslie. Leslie goes from office to office, examining receipts and asking questions. Then she writes you a check. On the spot. There she goes now.

Leslie (walking by in hallway): This office is different. We don’t discourage office politics. We celebrate them. We have elections and people openly campaign. (She laughs.) Last election cycle, I won best kisser.

Young Man with Tight Shirt and Sneer Who Is One Feature away from Being a Male Model, That Feature Being His Crooked Nose: (bending over water cooler): In this office you can make anyone below you do anything you want. I mean, anything, from going downstairs and washing your car to… going downstairs to get your lunch. They’ll do anything, my man. (Suddenly, he looks abashed). I mean, I wish.

Office Woman No. 1 (sitting in cubicle): This office is different because none of us here in the cubes wants to feel the wind pressing against our limbs, and none of us wants to feel the sun on our face. We’d just, simply, rather not.

Office Woman No. 2: (sitting in cubicle No. 2): This office is different because none of us looks at our lives and suffers the rainy-day ache of years wasted doing something that gives us occasional, minimal satisfaction but never joy and never nourishment. We’re not like that in this office. Those people are whiners.