This product may cause cancer in California. And will definitely cause rickets in Rhode Island. It’s been linked to arthritis in Nevada. And blindness in Chicago. Not for use in Iowa, unless you want STIGMATA!!!

The government is petrified of this product’s history with hammer toe in Colorado. It is certainly the source of gingivitis in Georgia. As well as speaking in tongue in Montana. Is this product responsible for ultraconservatism in Arizona? Only God can answer that. This product CAN and WILL cause Bieber Fever in New York. And ventriloquism in Vermont.

This product may ignite a Marxist revolution in Massachusetts. And unload a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep in Kansas. Affluenza in Alaska? Oh, you betcha! This product may cause hypertension in New Hampshire. It will steal your mail in Maine. This product is the root of ethereal vegan freeganism in Oregon. It may make you gay in Minnesota. Prolonged exposure to this product will disrupt the space-time continuum in Washington.

Scientists have accused this product of causing mumps in Mississippi. And holy crap were people pissed about the botulism in Nebraska! This product is patient zero of chlamydia in Kentucky.

DO NOT USE THIS PRODUCT IN NORTH CAROLINA UNLESS YOU ARE AN EXORCIST. This product is responsible for tooth decay in Delaware. As well as bad EDM in Oklahoma. This product somehow reduces obesity in Ohio. But fatally clogs arteries in Wisconsin. Hunter S. Thompson once hallucinated on this product while catfish noodling in Utah.

This product may cause migraines in Maryland. But will assemble IKEA furniture free-of-charge in Indiana. This product has been known to cause alopecia in Alabama. Yet increase beard girth in Louisiana. This product played jazz harp on the Sufjan Stevens album, Michigan. And cracked the Liberty Bell in Pennsylvania. It’s been quietly speculated that this product may cause birth defects in Missouri. This product is literally global warming in Florida, which is why Miami’s underwater. Sorry not sorry, Florida!

This product rescued Baby Jessica from the well in Texas! But killed all the honey bees in Hawaii. This product suggests it was Colonel Mustard in the conservatory with the candlestick in Connecticut. This product will buy your mother flowers in South Carolina. But screw your wife in Idaho. Hey North Dakota, do you guys like puppies? Too fucking bad. Because this product sold them all to West Virginia.

This product may turn human hair into cobwebs in New Mexico. And allegedly convert babies into Roomba Cats in Wyoming. Which is infinitely better than this product’s side effects in Tennessee. Seriously, don’t even ask. This product is WHAM!’s a capella rendition of “Gangam Style” in New Jersey. And we can’t quite remember, but this product causes either erectile dysfunction or erectile permanence in South Dakota. Your guess is as good as ours. This product is local mom’s one weird trick for looking older in Arkansas. This product is the scrambled egg representation of your brain on drugs in Virginia.

Most importantly, this product is the perfect solution to all of your chemically ambiguous needs!

This product is only available in America.