Insert side with USB logo facing upright.

Insert side with uncovered holes facing upright.

Add Wite-Out to correct side to remember for later.

Try both sides haphazardly.

Try both sides, then the first side again, then the second side, then back to the first side, then, I dunno, the second side.

Wiggle cord.

Stuff cord into appropriate slot until whole thing just disappears, shit goddamn.

Call daughter for help.

Call daughter in general, not just when you need something.

Tie USB cord around finger absentmindedly.

Is she still dating Jared? Find out.

Guilt trip daughter for not calling you first.

Forget to ask about USB.

End phone call without exploring relationship further.

Like, were you a good parent?

Did you give your daughter the tools she needed to survive in an uncaring, harsh world?

I mean, sure, you paid for her liberal arts education, and she seemed to learn some very useful things.

But life knowledge? How book smart should one person really be, at the sacrifice of tangible skills?

She should have been an engineer, not an English major.

Then she’d probably be able to help with this USB cord.

Call daughter.

Leave message at the beep.

Gingerly thread USB cord between the fingers on your left hand.

Try again.