Cain and Abel

The first two sons of Adam and Eve are at it again. Cain is FURIOUS that Abel’s sacrifice was better received by God and now, the battle lines are drawn in sheep’s blood. Drama alert! Abel took out a restraining order against Cain last month, claiming in court documents that Cain kept asking him to go into the fields with him alone. Abel said to the judge, “I know he’s just gonna kill me out there!” Cain vehemently denies these allegations and plans to file a countersuit for libel. God offered some straightforward advice to the two siblings: “Work. It. Out.”

Martin Luther and Pope Leo X

The Pope has a clear message for Martin Luther when it comes to the Catholic Church: You’re outta here! Martin Luther’s manager tells TMZ that his client has been EXCOMMUNICATED from the Church. The latest blowup between these two comes on the heels of Luther accusing the Catholic Church of nepotism, corruption, and the sale of indulgences. Uh, was one of the 95 Theses an invitation to Martin Luther’s barbecue? Because we smell beef!

Isaac Newton and Robert Hooke

Royal Society sources tell TMZ that Isaac Newton still really, really, really doesn’t like Robert Hooke and thinks he’s a “punk with a microscope.” Hooke came after Newton in his latest diss letter, accusing the latter of plagiarism and saying, “Stop comparing me to Newton, he doesn’t even write his own theories!” The allegation is even more shocking because Hooke featured ON NEWTON’S LATEST ACADEMIC WORK, PRINCIPIA! Newton fired back by scrubbing every reference to Hooke in Principia. Looks like we’ve found two objects that can’t be brought together by gravity.

The Hatfields and the McCoys

These two Appalachian families are embroiled in a nasty feud that’s burnin’ hotter than a skillet full of spoonbread. Last evening, William Anderson Hatfield hopped on a table at his local tavern and yelled to the patrons: the McCoys CROSSED A LINE by stabbing two Hatfield brothers. The patriarch of the McCoy family, Randolph “Old Ranel” McCoy was livid after hearing about Hatfield’s tavern call-out, telling him, “You know what, dude? Let’s just f***ing fight already! Me and you. Enough of this family drama.” We’ll reach out to Hatfield for his reaction … stay tuned.

Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr

It’s official! TMZ spoke with representatives from both sides, who said that a date has FINALLY BEEN SET for the long-awaited duel between Hamilton and Burr. Both men will use Wogdon duelling pistols and will square off in Weehawken, NJ. The trash talk has already begun, with Burr calling Hamilton a “Federalist coward of low stock.” Wow, more like Aaron Burn! We’re in line for a lot more epic trash track as both duelers have signed on to do press conferences together in Toronto, Brooklyn, and London before the duel on July 11th.

Thomas Edison and Nikola Tesla

Sorry, Nikola Tesla, but Thomas Edison won’t be apologizing anytime soon for calling Tesla’s alternating current technology “impractical” and “lame.” The Edison Electric Light Company frontman LAID INTO Tesla during an interview with TMZ, calling Tesla a “lunatic germaphobe with a ridiculous wardrobe.” Ouch. Edison claims he wasn’t trying to start beef, but the damage has been done. Tesla has apparently locked himself inside his laboratory/home, going full-recluse and only interacting with pigeons. As sources put it, “Nikola is slipping into a dark place.” Our thoughts are with Tesla… hopefully he builds some sort of machine that’ll light up that dark place for him.