To All My Friends Still In Their 20s:

Um, what’s going on here?

Being in your 20s was my thing, and honestly, it’s a little awkward that you’re trying to live out a trend that ended almost two full years ago.

In all sincerity I am flattered, but mostly creeped out by this bizarre homage to yours truly. It’s 2019 and all of you are still drinking more than two beers on a weeknight and listening to synth bands that don’t believe in having a Spotify presence. Frankly, you should be embarrassed.

Get with the times, being in your 20s is over.

Allow me to put this in plain terms: Friday nights are now for Cranium. Yet, no matter how many times I suggest this, I get blank stares. Here I am trying to bring you into the new fab, but obviously, you are not the trend-forward friends I thought you were. For people who think they’re so cool (you), it is a little worrisome that you can’t see being in your 30s is what everyone in-the-know (me) is talking about.

It’s humiliating, really.

Also, I wasn’t going to bring this up but I did hear that one of you booked a last minute flight to Nashville “just because” the other day. Honestly, did you not think I was going to find out? That’s literally me circa 2014.

And I know this is a little random but if you’re anything like me when I was in my 20s, which you all clearly still are, then you love “random” stuff: stop complaining about doing laundry. Seriously, it is tired and outdated.

Doing laundry is now meditative, and the sooner you realize that the sooner you will start to appreciate the other little joys in life, like knowing which therapeutic muscle creams are actually worth your hard-earned money.

But I guess you’re all too busy filming yourself on Clik Clok or whatever.

Listen, it’s your life, but living in the past — especially mine — is unhealthy. Grow up.