Hi. Good morning. It’s an honor and a privilege for me to be here with you today at the unveiling of this new tiger enclosure.

Anyone who knows me knows that I thrive on challenges. When someone comes to me with a script or an idea for a movie, the first thing I ask—before anything else—is: Where’s the challenge? How are we going to make this picture better than anything that’s gone before? How is the process of making this film going to test me and help me to grow as an artist and as a human being? “Where’s the challenge?” Not “Show me the money.” Show me the challenge! Come on, say it with me now: Show me the challenge! Come on, I can’t hear you: SHOW. ME. THE. CHALLENGE!! SHOW ME THE CHALLENGE!! All right!! Yeah!

Now, just as I face challenges every day to make a movie more exciting, more powerful, more entertaining, more patronizing to other cultures, so too do these tigers face the most difficult challenge of all in the wild: the challenge of survival. But the biggest obstacle they face in trying to meet this challenge is not the human beings who shoot them with rifles and destroy their habitat. No. The biggest obstacle these animals face is their own lethargy.

Look at these tigers here behind me—wasting their days, just lying in the shade. Is it any wonder they’re on the verge of extinction? They demonstrate a danger I think we can all fall victim to—that of taking the easy option, shirking the challenge, lying in the shade because we’re too afraid to walk in the light. In many ways, big cats are the couch potatoes of the animal kingdom. They lie around, stagnating, dominated by fears and insecurities, hindered by the souls of dead aliens that possess their bodies.

Well, I don’t like couch potatoes. I don’t like couches, either—or potatoes, for that matter. I hate couches so much that when Oprah Winfrey invited me to sit on hers, I had to stand on it and jump up and down. The couch is a piece of pseudofurniture that is not compatible with my moral code. I’ll never surrender to its corrupt agenda of relaxation. I’ll never let my limbs be seduced by its soft squishiness, or allow my pure life essences to trickle away down the gaps between the cushions. I refuse to become a victim of laziness. I won’t let that happen to me, and I won’t let it happen to these beautiful creatures.

I’m here today because I want to help these tigers. I want to teach them the simple systems I’ve learned for achieving personal goals and overcoming restrictive barriers of self-doubt. For a nominal fee of $5,000 a month, I’ll show the tigers processes that will enable them to positively modify their modes of perception and make real progress toward self-empowerment. They’ll then be able to gain the knowledge and skills they need to return to the jungle and face the threat of extinction with confidence.

See, I may officially be here to open this new tiger enclosure—but what I really want to open are the tigers’ minds. Open them to opportunities and inner resolve they never knew they had. Let’s think about just one example: If these tigers could learn IT skills and Web design, they could publicize their own cause on the Internet and not have to rely on charities to spread awareness. I can see some of you looking at me as if that’s a crazy idea, right? It seems so, doesn’t it, with them lying there under the tree, asleep? But I can teach them techniques of self-discipline and time management that will transform their learning capabilities and lead to success.

I believe in these tigers. I believe they’re capable of meeting the ultimate challenge: to survive and prosper despite the malicious influence of dead aliens. Now, I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling good right now. I’m feeling good about the future for these tigers.

I’m feeling pumped and excited and ready to get to work. Are you with me?! YEAH?! WOO! Come on!! Let’s do some conservation!!

Thank you very much!