SCOTT HOYING: As the leader of our superstar a cappella group, Pentatonix, let me say that I am so excited to be filming a tropical a cappella medley here in the Amazon rainforest.
KEVIN OLUSOLA: You said it, Scott. Ever since we came into prominence after winning The Sing-Off on NBC we’ve been making hit a cappella music videos all over the world, but this jungle takes the cake.
KIRSTIN MALDONADO: Kevin, you are the beatboxer in this group so you provide the beats, and let me say you are on beat there! We have been very successful together, netting nearly seven million dollars since 2011, when we were founded.
AVI KAPLAN: True that, Kirstin. But remember that no matter how much success we have, we are friends before anything else. That’s why even though I left the group a couple months ago, I have joined you guys on this special journey to this magical rainforest.
MITCH GRASSI: Avi, you always know how to keep us grounded. Say, who’s ready to kick off our a cappella medley here in this rainforest river?
[Scott Hoying dabs.]
KEVIN OLUSOLA: Let’s kick it, 1, 2, 3…
[A cappella singing]
AVI KAPLAN: Hey, did anyone else hear that?
KIRSTIN MALDONADO: All I heard was us perfectly hitting complex chord progressions and harmonies that most a cappella groups can only dream of!
AVI KAPLAN: No, it was a hissing sound.
SCOTT HOYING: Hey Mitch, what’s that on your pants?
MITCH GRASSI: Oh that, that’s just a huge snake eating my leg — wait, WOOOAAH!
KIRSTIN MALDONADO: Oh crap! That huge snake is eating Mitch Grassi, our tenor phenom!
SCOTT HOYING: Hang on, did anybody check whether or not man-eating anacondas live in these rivers of the Amazon rainforest?
AVI KAPLAN: Clearly fucking not, Scott!
SCOTT HOYING: Chill out, Avi! I know we have had our tensions, for example on episode four of The Sing-Off when you made us do that risky arrangement of “Your Love Is My Drug,” but we have to stick together right now.
AVI KAPLAN: You’re right Scott, here, shake my ha—
[Avi Kaplan’s hand is bitten clean off by a second, even larger anaconda.]
KEVIN OLUSOLA: God damnit!
AVI KAPLAN: OH GOD. OH FUCK. WHEN I LEFT THE MUSICAL POWERHOUSE THAT IS PENTATONIX TO FOUND MY OWN FOLK-AMERICANA SOLO OUTFIT I SHOULD HAVE STAYED GONE. OH THE PAIN, THE PAIN—
KIRSTIN MALDONADO: Listen up, boys. If we ever want to create hit instrument-free jams that the whole world can enjoy again, we’re going to have to find a way out of this jungle.
KEVIN OLUSOLA: Right you are, Kirstin. That one anaconda that ate our fantastic tenor/back-up vocalist Mitch Grassi is busy digesting him, but between us and the riverbank there are still three more anacondas.
KIRSTIN MALDONADO: Is there any way that the power of music could help us get out of this bind?
SCOTT HOYING: Kirstin, is there any way you could come up with a worse idea than that? That’s a terrible idea!
AVI KAPLAN: Yeah, zip it Kirstin, you fuckface! We’ll split up and make a run for it. Kevin Olusola, you will make a dash to the right; Kirstin you’ll go left—
[Sound of Kevin Olusola and Kirstin Maldonado both getting noisily eaten by two even more enormous anacondas.]
SCOTT HOYING: Well, there goes that plan.
[Scott Hoying dabs.]
AVI KAPLAN: Really, Scott?
SCOTT HOYING: Huh, huh, HUAH!
[Scott Hoying does the whip.]
AVI KAPLAN: Three of the five original members of our hit a cappella group have already died painfully for this jungle music video, Scott. I’m begging you to take this more seriously.
SCOTT HOYING: Here’s an idea: snakes have poor eyesight. If we stand perfectly still in this river, maybe the anacondas will give up and leave us be.
AVI KAPLAN: Dammit Scott, you’re right. What a cruel irony that our only path to survival is to do nothing at all.
SCOTT HOYING: Is that really irony, Avi?
AVI KAPLAN: Great usage point, Scott. According to dictionary dot com, irony might be the most misused word in the English language. But let’s stay still now so we don’t get eaten by these killer snakes.
[Two anacondas encircle the legs of Avi Kaplan and Scott Hoying, but do not attack. The superstar a cappella musicians look at one another.]
SCOTT HOYING: Avi, you know what this is making me think of…
AVI KAPLAN: Scott, please.
SCOTT HOYING: Now this—
AVI KAPLAN: Scott I’m begging you.
SCOTT HOYING: Is what I call—
AVI KAPLAN: Shut up, Scott.
SCOTT HOYING: Now this is what I call a mannequin challenge!
[Avi Kaplan’s eye twitches in anger and he gets eaten by anacondas, but this time instead of just one anaconda swallowing him, two anacondas eat him at the same time, one from his head and one from his feet, and when they meet in the middle the larger anaconda swallows both Avi and the smaller anaconda.]