“Minimum of 2 years of experience in a similar role”

Ideally, you will have at least 45 years’ experience in this exact role. Though, we do want you to be fresh, hip, innovative. So maybe you can be, like, a clone of Frank, your predecessor, but with some genes from Justin Timberlake spliced in.

“Undergraduate degree required, masters preferred”

You have a master’s degree. But it is in English or Philosophy or Theatre or Psychology or some other Liberal Arts concentration that is so woefully useless you’ve stopped putting it on your resume. But that’s good. We like humble candidates. And, even better, this way we know that you’re skilled at prioritizing, cutting the fat, focusing, etcetera.

“Highly organized individual with the ability
to manage multiple tasks”

Truthfully, we are all slobs. You should see the break room. But not you. You’re the type that organizes the dishes in the dishwasher according to size and color. Your underwear has your damn name stitched into the waistband—not written with magic marker—stitched. And multiple tasks? You need to be like a Hindu deity juggling swords, reading Proust, baking ziti, tuning a harp, and doing cat’s cradle—all with one eye overseeing a toddler armed with matches and a gas can, and the other eye trying to blink out Finnegans Wake by James Joyce in Morse code.

“Self-starter that is comfortable trying new things
and is quick at learning”

We are not going to teach you a damn thing. In fact, you’re lucky if the janitor makes eye contact with you. You’re all on your own. Truly on your own. Think that mom in Room had it bad? Just wait. You’ll be need to go from rookie primordial soup to post-human android virtuoso in about two weeks. All. By. Your. Self. One week would be best.

“Familiar with digital tools and technologies”

Honestly, we have no idea what this means.

“Analytical and strategic mindset”

You’re like the love child of Noam Chomsky and Stephen Hawking playing Risk. What the hell does that mean? If you’re the right fit, you’ll know.

“Strong communication skills”

The focus here is on strong. We want meaty communication from you. Steroid communication. When you’re getting your point across, not only the person you’re talking to, but the whole office should understand what you’re saying. But you should be nice too. Comforting even. Actually, really comforting. Like a smooth Bob Ross lullaby. Because, deep down, all of your coworkers—especially the management—are just afraid, insecure, and in need of nurturing and encouraging words. But keep it strong. That communication should rip the skin off our faces.

“Experience with Microsoft Office, Adobe Photoshop,
and Google Docs preferred”

You really think that’s it? My grandmother rifles through spreadsheets like bingo cards. My kid niece can put a Kim Kardashian ass on Iggy Pop. We want you to come in with experiences with software we’ve never even heard of. Surprise us. No, but seriously. You have to.

“Team player with a positive attitude and a sense of humor”

You know how you spell “team” in Albanian? It’s “ekip.” So, fuck you, there is an “I” in “team.” You better act like it too. And your attitude should be exactly what we say it is. At all times. And for Christ’s sake, don’t laugh. Ever.

“A portfolio that demonstrates your skills”

You know what? Actually, forget it. We’re just going to hire our boy Tim with the lisp down in accounting. He’s cool. Plus, he was in our frat. And he doesn’t mind only making 25k. So, good luck.