Perhaps best known for the sandbox full of cat shit in our front yard and our “not-in-compliance-with-village-health-ordinance” colony of rescue bats, we are now prepared to add one AWESOME nanny to our team. Are you that special someone who can do all the holistic parenting we would like to, were it not for our crippling student loans, a Groupon for a pasta-making class, and some stuff we want to do on the computer later?
Some of you have probably seen our ad before. PLEASE READ CAREFULLY as we’ve updated many of our requirements. Experience and a lawsuit have taught us to be really, really specific and to disclose when we are filming you in the bathroom or implanting a tiny tracking device under your skin.
WHO YOU ARE: After several sessions with Dr. Nussbaum, we have agreed on the following:
- You have a degree in early childhood education and can handle yourself in a knife fight.
- You have great instincts for navigating complex interpersonal dynamics that do not involve “contacting animal control” or “sleeping with anyone.”
- You are preferably less attractive than both of us, but stylish in your own modest—yet completely asexual—way.
- You do not have a bat guano allergy.
- You are not taking a belly dancing class that requires you to swivel and thrust your hips while, ostensibly, demonstrating how your finger cymbals work.
- CPR certification and experience using Mayan womb massage to manage chronic bat diarrhea are a must.
For our six-year old, we want someone who is willing to get down on the floor to teach her about the Eurozone debt crisis using felt triangles and an Angela Merkel doll made out of a stick and some marzipan. If she finds one lying around, our daughter is allowed to pretend a shriveled demi-baguette is Nicolas Sarkozy. We are discouraging her from making the Angela and Sarkozy dolls “be the mommy and daddy.” Unless it’s just a one-time thing in Davos and there are no Pretty Ponies watching. Also, she’s in the Girl Scouts, so you’ll want to be fairly comfortable with state-sanctioned violence.
Our adorable infant was born at home on an elliptical machine. He is accustomed to being worn in a Columbian neck sling, which allows/forces the caregiver to make constant, unblinking eye contact. He finds the caregiver’s labored, ragged breathing soothing. Applicants with weak or crumpled tracheas may wish to focus on families who are less knowledgeable about infant development.
Our oldest son, Volodya, is 23 and poses a special challenge to his caregivers. Adopted from Ukraine at age 21 (the forms said 2.1!), the doctors tell us he is completely normal, but he has been resistant to bonding. We will expect you to dress up as a placenta and follow him around. Additionally, you will need to create a quiet atmosphere in which he can focus on applying to dental school or area liquor stores. Entirely his choice! We are just trying to discourage him in his quest to become “number one Ultimate Fighting champion.” Please note: he is easily startled.
You will need your own transportation to drive the children to soccer, play dates, Nicaragua, etc.
Also, we need someone who can drive us to work.
Ideally, we’d like someone who can communicate with our children in either:
(2) the French of the ancien regime; or
(3) Castilian Spanish.
The children do not speak French or Spanish. Nor do they enjoy riddles.
After some “emotional eating” issues emerged due to the stress of providing natural care for tiny, feral bats, the whole family is back in the zone and eating right. We will be counting on you to prepare gluten-free, nettle-based lunches while you all listen to the BBC. This requires a tolerance for stinging and burning on the arms and face. Please no outside food or bandages.
We will also expect you to help us feed the bats. An ability to distinguish vestigial bat faces from real bat faces is a must, as their vestigial faces are prone to infection.
- You can support the following position: now is not a good time to be investing in a Costa Rican tilapia farm.
- Pay will be $12 an hour, or kale from our neighbor’s yard, depending on how this court thing turns out.
- We may ask that you accompany us on a survivalist vinyasa retreat in the Mojave Desert. Just FYI: we have a mat you can probably use, but not enough guns.
- Some light crunk dancing, roofing likely required.