Estragon, sitting on a low mound near a single tree, is trying to take off his boot. Enter Vladimir. They both wear bowler hats and Olaf-from-Frozen T-shirts.
ESTRAGON: Stupid boot!
VLADIMIR: That’s a bad word.
VLADIMIR: You’re my friend. You’re my friend yesterday and you’re my friend today.
ESTRAGON: I was yucky yesterday.
VLADIMIR: But you’re my friend yesterday.
ESTRAGON: When I’m yucky, I don’t want a friend.
VLADIMIR: I don’t like yucky.
ESTRAGON: (tearing at his boot) Stupid boot!
VLADIMIR: Hi. (Silence.)
ESTRAGON: (gives up on boot) What are we doing?
VLADIMIR: Waiting for Godot. Waiting waiting wait wait wait! I can sing, see? (He sings.) “I’m waaaaaiting and there’s my frieeeend and a tree over theeeeere and the skyyyyy up hiiiigh. We grow ooold and the air is fuuull of our criiiiies. And farts. Fart! Fart! Fart!” (Vladimir ends abruptly, smiling. Estragon digs in his nose. Vladimir frowns and looks attentively at the tree. Silence.)
ESTRAGON: What do we do?
VLADIMIR: We can climb the tree?
ESTRAGON: It’s high. High is danger.
VLADIMIR: Let’s climb it now!
ESTRAGON: You climb.
ESTRAGON: I’m this high. (Still sitting, he measures himself with his hand.) You’re more high. (Vladimir measures himself with his hand where he stands.)
VLADIMIR: (angrily) So?
ESTRAGON: If I fall, I fall more far!
VLADIMIR: What do we do?
ESTRAGON: Nothing. Be good. If we’re good, he comes.
VLADIMIR: Godot? We ask him.
ESTRAGON: About climbing?
VLADIMIR: Godot climbs good.
ESTRAGON: Godot is my friend.
VLADIMIR: My friend.
ESTRAGON: (standing) My friend.
VLADIMIR: My best friend.
ESTRAGON: My best friend! (They repeatedly tear off each other’s hats and throw them on the ground, picking up the wrong hat and putting it back on.)
VLADIMIR: Bestest friend!
ESTRAGON: Better bestest friend!
VLADIMIR: Better bestest fifteen friend!
ESTRAGON: A fifty hundred best friend!
VLADIMIR: NO! MY FRIEND!
ESTRAGON: YOU’RE STUPID!
VLADIMIR: THAT’S A BAD WORD!!! (They break off and stare at each other. Silence. They embrace.) You’re my friend.
ESTRAGON: You’re my friend. Godot is my friend when he comes.
VLADIMIR: Godot is my best friend when he comes. (They stare at each other suspiciously. Silence.) You smell like dog food.
ESTRAGON: (looking up) Will nap time never come?
Enter Pozzo and Lucky. Pozzo drives Lucky by means of a skipping rope passed round his neck. Lucky carries a Tonka truck, an Olaf-from-Frozen backpack, a box of Lunchables and a blankie.
POZZO: Whoa, horsey! (He yanks rope and Lucky stops short.)
ESTRAGON: (to Vladimir) Is that him?
POZZO: I am Pozzo.
VLADIMIR: (to Estragon) Not Godot.
POZZO: Look what I can do. (He jerks on rope.) Dum-dum! (Lucky turns.) Blankie! (Lucky puts down truck, backpack, Lunchables and brings blankie to Pozzo. He returns to his spot and picks up items.) Watch me. Are you watching? Dum-dum! (He jerks rope and Lucky turns.) Watch me!
ESTRAGON: (to Vladimir) He’s a meanie.
VLADIMIR: Ropes around neck are danger.
POZZO: (spreads blanket with a flourish and crawls under it.) I’m invisible! (Silence.) Clap! (Estragon and Vladimir applaud loudly. Lucky puts down truck, backpack, Lunchables and applauds listlessly. They all stop on cue as Pozzo emerges from blanket. Lucky picks up items.) Watch me again! (The entire process and dialogue are repeated. Pozzo yanks on rope.) Blankie! (Lucky puts down truck, backpack, Lunchables and retrieves blankie, returns to spot, and picks up other items. Vladimir and Estragon timidly approach Lucky.)
ESTRAGON: He’s sad.
VLADIMIR: (inspecting Lucky’s neck) Ouchies.
VLADIMIR: I’m telling.
ESTRAGON: (nodding) We tell about climbing and ouchies.
VLADIMIR: (to Pozzo) How come you put rope on. It makes ouchies.
POZZO: He likes it — (defensively) I’m allowed!
VLADIMIR: But he’s sad.
POZZO: The tears of the world are a constant quantity. Look how strong I am! (He flexes biceps.)
ESTRAGON: (moving in to embrace Lucky) You need a hug… (Lucky kicks Estragon hard in the shin. Estragon collapses to the ground in tears.) Ow! Owwie! Ohhh, it hurts! (He lifts pant leg.) He blooded me!
VLADIMIR: Why’d he do that for?
POZZO: You’re stranger danger.
VLADIMIR: (tending to Estragon) You want I kiss it better? (Estragon makes a face.)
POZZO: We all have ouchies.
ESTRAGON: I can’t walk never again.
VLADIMIR: (with sincere devotion) I carry you.
ESTRAGON: Will nap time never come?
POZZO: Look! Now watch what he can do! Stupidhead! (He yanks on rope.)
VLADIMIR: (whispering to Estragon) Bad word…
POZZO: Watch. Watch now. (to Lucky) Think! (Lucky puts down his items and begins to speak, becoming increasingly agitated, as do the others who eventually tackle him to the ground as Lucky struggles to continue.)
LUCKY: Poopoo, doody, bum bum, penis, penis head, crapface, bag bum, kaka, toad yuck wanky bottom, wiener peepee pee hole, doodoo, butt butt butthead, poop sandwiches, vagina vagina vagina, kaka all-day diarrhea toilet, toilet face, barf barfy poo, booger, eating boogers, boobies, boobies, boobies! (They clasp their hands over his mouth. Silence.)
VLADIMIR: (quietly) That’s not nice. (They all rise. Lucky retrieves his items. Pozzo yanks on rope. Lucky turns to leave.)
POZZO: Okay bye. (He does not move.)
ESTRAGON: Bye. (Pozzo still does not move.)
POZZO: (looks pleadingly) I can have something? To take? (He gazes at Estragon’s boots.)
VLADIMIR: Give him your boots.
ESTRAGON: Life is hard. (He sits and struggles to take off boot with tremendous effort. But he cannot. Silence.)
POZZO: Okay bye. (More silence. He yanks the rope.) Giddyup, horsey! (Pozzo and Lucky exit. Long silence.)
VLADIMIR: We made new friends.
ESTRAGON: I don’t maybe want to play with them again.
VLADIMIR: What we do now?
ESTRAGON: Nap time.
VLADIMIR: We can’t.
ESTRAGON: Why not?
VLADIMIR: We’re waiting for Godot.
BOY: Mr. Godot’s not coming. He’s coming tomorrow. (He exits. Silence.)
ESTRAGON: Now we have nap time?
VLADIMIR: Nap now. Godot tomorrow. (He sits. They do not nap.)
ESTRAGON: Maybe we need alone time, me alone and you alone. That would be better.
VLADIMIR: I dunno.
ESTRAGON: Me neither.
VLADIMIR: If you want we can.
ESTRAGON: I dunno.
VLADIMIR: Let’s nap. (They do not nap. Long silence.)
ESTRAGON: I need to make peepee.