“Let’s touch base about a few things”

Please join me in my office Monday morning for the blindsiding of your life. It may be that this issue is truly too complicated to translate into writing, but it’s more likely that I’m being vague so you’ll worry all weekend. Because power.

“Let’s touch base about a few things :)”

All of the above but it’s also important that you still like me.

“Let’s touch base about a few things! :)”

You’re my only friend.

“Touch base about a few things? ;)”

I could be flirting with you, but it’s more likely that I’m just desperately trying to seem friendly or something because who flirts through meeting invitation subject lines?

“Touch base about a few things?? ;)”

I definitely have a secret Pinterest board dedicated to our future home together. Call HR in on this one.

- - -

“Moving Forward”

Something terrible has happened, you know it and I know it, and honestly, it’s making me reconsider taking this job. I think I’ll feel better if I have a team of people around me to share the blame.

“moving forward”

I called this meeting and dealing with this issue is absolutely my responsibility, but when you get to my office, I’ll definitely start by saying “So what’s going on?” and expect you to take it from there.

“Moving forward!”

It may seem like something bad happened, but seeing it that way makes me seem like a bad boss who lets bad things happen, so I’m going to pretend like this is actually a good thing. Expect many iterations of “everything happens for a reason” and “let’s look for the silver lining” and “we’ll make the best of a bad situation.” Agree with me or I’ll accuse you of being pessimistic and negative and “not a team player.”

“Moving forward!!”

All of the above plus my doctor finally caved and gave me uppers.

- - -

“Your Performance Evaluation”

You’re not getting a raise.

“performance eval :)”

You are getting a raise, but because I’ve been too lazy to do these evaluations for a while now, you’ll just be making what you should’ve been making two years ago. Please don’t tell anyone and I’ll continue not to care about how little you care about your job. Seriously, don’t fuck this up, it’s working.

“Performance Evaluation Time!”

I am way younger than you and super uncomfortable that I’m your boss. I’ll spend five minutes showering you with praise, ten minutes starting sentences with “This is no big deal, but…” and a good half hour talking about myself in a vain attempt to distract us both from how embarrassing this whole thing is.

“Performance Evaluation Time!!”

All of the above plus you are the human embodiment of my worst fears.


Your computer skills threaten and impress me so equally that I can never really decide if I like you or not. Just to be safe I’ll keep up with the traditional 2% raise. Also, I’m 100 and you’ll definitely find me dead in my office someday.


I typed “PERFORMANCE EVALUATION” then had a stroke.


Call the coroner.