[Originally published October 13, 2010.]
Quart: Not enough milk.
Gallon: Too much milk.
Teaspoon: An unsatisfying bite of ice cream.
Tablespoon: Brain freeze.
Pint: The amount of ice cream eaten in one sitting that guarantees shame.
Pound: 1/10th of the reason you have an unused gym membership.
Mile: The maximum distance gym teachers can force out of shape teenagers to run without being charged with reckless endangerment.
Kilometer: A mile in Europe.
Meter: About a yard.
Yard: About a meter.
100 yards: The distance a jock thinks he can throw a Nerf football.
Acre: The area in front of a barn.
Foot: The average length by which you miss an elevator.
Inch: Three smart phones stacked on top of each other.
Centimeter: The smallest measurement visible to the human eye.
Millimeter: The width of an atom.
Minute: The amount of time you must listen to your cell phone ring before it goes to voicemail if you don’t want the caller to know you’re avoiding their call.
Hour: The length of time you incorrectly believe it will take to run a few errands while using metered parking.
Day: The time it takes to prepare before doing something you don’t want to.
Month: The time it takes to become tired of a popular song.
Year: The time it takes radio to become tired of a popular song.
Decade: The time it takes for the popular song to become an ironic reference.
Light year: The time it takes light to travel a year.
Dollar: The gratitude you’re expected to show a bartender for opening a beer bottle.
Hour of work: At least 1/7th the worth of having a beer opened for you.
Watt: The power dissipated when a current of 1 ampere flows across a difference in potential of 1 volt.
Kilowatt: The power dissipated when your brain attempts to understand a watt.