Please come work for us. We’ll do anything. We’ll give you free parking. We’ll give you 10 percent off in-store purchases. We’ll give you company swag where you can barely see the company logo, so it’s basically just cool free clothes. We will do literally anything to get you to work for us except pay you enough.

You want a keg in the break room? You got it. You want your break in the keg room? Okay by us! What do you want? Name it, it’s yours! As long as it’s not a living wage.

What about an immediate cash bonus as soon as you start working, to mask the fact that we don’t provide healthcare or enough consistent pay for you to afford rent? Is that something you want? Please say it’s something you want.

We will clap for you every time you clock in. We will make you feel guilty every time you clock out. There will be a big group meeting every morning where you and your coworkers go around in a circle and tell each other what a great job you’re all doing. Does that sound like a reasonable replacement for fair monetary compensation?

Look: it’s not about the money for us. Never has been! It’s about passion. It’s about community. It’s about teamwork. It’s about making you think it’s not about the money for us, when it’s actually all about the money for us, and specifically not about the money for you.

Jobs aren’t for financially sustaining you—they’re for financially sustaining us. So if pay and benefits are what you’re after, you’re not going to find them in this job, or any job. But if a gift card on your birthday with your name spelled wrong that’s only valid for one month in-store is what you’re looking for, then this is the place for you!

Oh, and if you get one of your friends to come work here too, we’ll throw in a recruitment bonus!1 That’s how much we value you!2

So, please come work for us. We’ll do anything you want—except, of course, pay you enough.

1 Bonus will not be in the form of better pay.

2 We don’t.