As the CEO of Bööber, a technology company disrupting sexbots by giving them colossal honkers, I’m here to set the record straight. We hired six new employees this week, and we’ve caught a lot of guff, because like the rest of our employees, those six men happen to be men.

It’s easy to point the finger, but here’s the honest truth: we would love to hire a woman. As the CEO of a growing company, I know how important diversity is, which is why I’ve hired men named Dan and John. But we simply couldn’t find any interested female candidates.

You can’t force a woman to do something she doesn’t want to do. At least that’s what my lawyer keeps shouting at me. Bööber is not in ANY way biased against women, who can make wonderful employees, I assume. We’ve only ever had one, an executive assistant whose name was something flowery like Kelly. She did such a good job that I brought her roses every day, even after she asked me to stop.

We even tried actively recruiting women. Every time the HR boys get so much as a WHIFF of a qualified job candidette, they like all her Instagram photos from our company account. That way, she knows we’re serious, like a multimillion-dollar discrimination lawsuit.

We’ve created a perfectly level playing field, but we can’t force anyone to discover its hidden traps. By the way, do you play knifeball?

Sure, we fired our only female employee, but she was keeping mace at her desk and we have a zero-tolerance policy towards weapons in the workplace. Except for when Bruce shows off his WWII-era German rifles in the parking lot. But those are antiques. And Bruce never shot his rifle at me for promoting him. Lead Squeezee could have been a great job for you… was it Rhonda?

I shouldn’t even be talking about — I just remembered, it was Kit (rhymes with tit) — until that lawsuit wraps up. But in this office, we value transparency. That’s why the walls of the women’s room are see-through. At first glance, this may seem like a privacy violation, but you shouldn’t expect us to stop at just one glance! The transparent walls are an equality measure — they help the men in our office see that women aren’t using the restroom for girly nonsense like painting their nails or calling the human rights commission.

On top of everything else our company has going for it, we offer competitive salaries. Meaning we literally make new hires arm wrestle to see who gets the best salary. Some women don’t think they can compete with men in terms of upper body strength, especially not for positions that are 98–99% spreadsheet based. To them, I say: that doesn’t sound very feminist to me!

When it comes to female employees, I’m as supportive as one of Kit’s bras. I’m doing my best at a formidable task! So I don’t want to hear one more complaint (legal or otherwise). Because there’s absolutely nothing more I can do.

Ron “Bick Dick” Johnson
CEO, Bööber