YOU’VE TRIED THE BEST. NOW TRY THE REST
AT BIG CHET’S LANDLORD SUPPLY STORE
KITCHEN, BATH, BEDROOM, ELECTRICAL
EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO MAKE YOUR UNITS SEEM VAGUELY LIVABLE
NEED A REFRIGERATOR? TRY THE HEINBRICH 1200-S
HAVEN’T HEARD OF THE HEINBRICH BRAND BEFORE?
IT’S EAST GERMAN AND DOESN’T EXIST ANYMORE
BUT SOME GUY FOUND A BUNCH OF THEIR FRIDGES IN A DITCH LAST YEAR
SENT ’EM OUR WAY
AND NOW WE’RE SELLING ’EM
“IS IT A SMART REFRIGERATOR?”
BIG CHET DOESN’T KNOW WHAT THAT IS
BIG CHET WANTS YOU TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE WITH THAT SMART REFRIGERATOR BULLSHIT
THE HEINBRICH 1200-S IS DUMB AS HELL. DOESN’T KNOW WHAT YEAR IT IS. DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TEMPERATURE IT IS
AND THAT’S HOW BIG CHET LIKES IT
WHY DOES IT ONLY COST $78?
IT’S BANNED IN THE EU AND MOST BLUE STATES
IT TURNS YOUR PISS BLACK
NOBODY KNOWS WHY
STOVES? WE HAVE THE BIGGEST SELECTION OF MALFUNCTIONING STOVES IN NORTH AMERICA
THE INFERNO BLAST, FROM LEAKYGAS-SYSTEMS INC., IS OUR MOST POPULAR RANGE
IT COSTS $92. THE OVEN HAS ONE SETTING:
“HELL FLAME”
TRY TO BAKE BREAD IN IT, I FUCKING DARE YOU
HEAT VENT? YEAH, IT’S GOT ONE
IT’S A METALLIC RECTANGLE THAT DIRECTS ALL THE OVEN’S EXCESS HEAT RIGHT AT YOUR FACE
MAKES YOUR KITCHEN HOT AS A SEWAGE-EATING DEER’S BAKED DIARRHEA
“I THOUGHT I LIKED COOKING, BUT I GUESS I HATE IT NOW?”
BIG CHET HAS AN ORGASM EVERY TIME ONE OF YOUR TENANTS SAYS THAT
BIG CHET HAS A LOT OF ORGASMS
DIMMER SWITCHES? WE’VE GOT A FUCK TON
THEY DON’T DIM SHIT, DUDE
IT’S ON OR OFF WITH THESE LITTLE RAT FUCKERS,
AND THE “ON” POSITION IS JUST WAY TOO BRIGHT
OUR SHOWERHEADS ARE ON SUPERSALE
THEY’RE STRAIGHT FROM THE XINJIANG WORK CAMPS
AND ARE ILLEGAL TO OWN
BIG CHET CAN GET YOU FIVE FOR $15
THEY HAVE TWO SETTINGS: “PALTRY DRIBBLE” AND “FIREHOSE”
IF YOU USE “FIREHOSE” BETWEEN YOUR BUTT CHEEKS,
IT’S LIKE IF A BIDET TOOK METH
IS YOUR LOCAL GOVERNMENT UP YOUR ASS ABOUT YOUR UNITS’ FAULTY WIRING?
WE CAN FIX THAT
WE SELL ADORABLE “THIS OUTLET ISN’T GROUNDED” SIGNS
THAT ATTACH DIRECTLY TO YOUR OUTLETS AND CONSTITUTE A LEGITIMATE LEGAL DEFENSE
IN CASE SHIT GOES UP IN FLAMES DUE TO HAIR DRYER USE
WE ALSO SELL CURTAINS. THEY’RE PETROLEUM-BASED
AND SMELL LIKE A 9-1-1 CALL
WE’VE RECENTLY EXPANDED INTO SELLING WINDOWS.
EACH WINDOW COMES WITH PRE-INSTALLED BLACK MILDEW SPOTS ALL ALONG THE EDGES
“MILDEW PRE-INSTALLED? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?”
WE THREW ’EM IN A LAKE, THEN SHOVED ’EM IN A HOT BARN
THAT’S A BIG CHET GUARANTEE
ALL OF OUR GOODS COME WITH INSTALLATION INSTRUCTIONS
THAT ARE LINE DRAWINGS OF STICK FIGURES LOOKING AT A BUNCH OF ITEMS ON THE GROUND
AND THERE ARE QUESTION MARKS ALL AROUND THE DUDES’ HEADS
THEY MAKE IKEA INSTRUCTIONS LOOK LIKE A GODDAMN NUCLEAR REACTOR SCHEMATIC
IN CASE OF REPLACEMENT, WE RECOMMEND HANDING YOUR TENANTS THE INSTALLATION INSTRUCTIONS,
DISAPPEARING FOR A FEW DAYS
AND THEN TEXTING “U FIGURE EVERYTHING OUT OK?”
NEED HELP WITH REPAIRS? THEN CHECK OUT OUR REFURBISHING DEPARTMENT
WE CAN FIX ANYTHING WITH
CAULK! CAULK! CAULK!
WE ALSO HAVE A NETWORK OF BIG CHET CERTIFIED SPECIALISTS
WHO SPECIALIZE IN KNOWING JACK SHIT ABOUT FUCKING ANYTHING
AND CAN ASSIST YOU IN POKING A THING AND MAKING SOME BAD CHOICES
SO THAT IF YOU EVER CALL AN ACTUAL PLUMBER, THEY’LL BE LIKE,
“WHAT MORON REPAIRED THIS LAST?”
BIG CHET’S IS CONVENIENTLY LOCATED IN AN ABANDONED MALL SIX MILES FROM ANYTHING
IF YOU COME ACROSS THE DUSTY SHADOW OF A LENSCRAFTERS SIGN, YOU’VE FOUND US
DIRECT A FELLOW LANDLORD OUR WAY, AND WE’LL GIVE YOU
10% OFF ANY ITEM
THAT’S MARKED WITH A SKULL AND CROSSBONES
THAT’S A BIG CHET GUARANTEE