Has today’s world left you feeling confused, scared, and confused? Are you looking for a community of love, praise, and service? A church that accepts all followers no matter their lifestyle? That’s Hillcrest.
Hillcrest is a Global Glorification Centre with one simple belief: That the world has exactly 14 months before S’nathrokhan the Serpent Lord, Cauterizer of the Heretics, hatches from the Earth and destroys the universe.
It’s not like the stodgy churches you grew up with — that’s a fact!
Our co-pastors Colton Cayne and Arianna Goldsworthy beckon everyone — punks, bikers, hipsters, regular people — to revel in S’nathrokhan’s inevitable destruction and awe-inspiring malice. We want to touch the communities we’re a part of just as S’nathrokhan will touch us all with his Tail of Flame and his Tongue of A Second, Ever Hotter, Scarier Flame.
- You have to dress a certain way. No pink hair!
- You’re told who you can love and who you can’t.
- A messiah leads only a few to salvation.
- No one will save us and everyone will die when S’nathrokhan, Disabuser of Hubris, splits open our planet, causing us all to fly off into space.
ATTEND A SERVICE!
At Hillcrest, our upbeat, all-original music plays a huge part in our services. One of our songs was even a Top 10 hit in Paraguay, where local listeners may not have even been aware of the song’s message to kill yourself before S’nathrokhan, Claimer And Then Abandoner of Souls, does it first. Our guitar-led hip-pop tunes are just that catchy!
We think too many churches say, “Pray the way we tell you or else!” But not at Hillcrest. Here, you can pray however you feel comfortable. Or don’t pray at all. Because S’nathrokhan hears all prayers — and he ignores them the same way a nuclear blast ignores a chain-link fence protecting a playground full of schoolchildren. Besides, literally every noise that isn’t the painful screaming of a weak, worthless human only makes S’nathrokhan more vengeful.
And church doesn’t have to be an old stone building you trudge to every Sunday! The PEOPLE are the church! Your Hillcrest chapter can meet at a local park, at a friend’s home over hot dogs and potato salad, or even right here, in the JoAnne Fabrics parking lot where I’m screaming at you right now.
We’re bringing solutions to a world that’s hungry for true answers: Why are we here? How can we become our best selves? In what ways is the Earth just a womb for an eldritch dragon of inconceivable size and wrath, the sight of whom will cause your eyes to go blind, your ears to go deaf, and your nose to go smell-blind?
To find those answers, we don’t get hung up on obscure theological dogma. We’re all about the 3 F’s:
- 1. Fear
- 2. Fear
- 3. and Fear
We’re not just terrified of S’nathrokhan sucking the impure flesh off our bones and constricting our grandmothers’ heads off. We’re also terrified of S’nathrokhan arising prematurely and ruling Earth as an intergalactic despot instead of just destroying us outright!
After his birth, a terrified and disoriented S’nathrokhan will take to the cosmos where he will immediately eat the moon. His black, skyscraper-sized teeth will gnash the moon into soot, each of his mighty chomps as devastating as a train crash times 1,000 Emily Dickinson poems. Then he will impregnate the Hubble Space Telescope.
The powerful telescope will then give birth to S’nathrokhan’s wife/daughter, the Doe Goddess, and the two will roam the cosmos for eternity, fornicating bloodily and unceasingly, never once thinking of the frail human species they wisely genocided.
Still worried your past mistakes mean you can’t find salvation? As the only worship community preparing for S’nathrokhan the Uncaring’s arrival, our souls will carry on with him, sweeping space dust off his scales forever, like yellow-billed oxpeckers symbiotically eating parasites off a powerful wildebeest. If that sounds like the salvation you’ve been looking for, it’s not! It will be endless torment and you’ll pray for a second death that will never come. But it’ll be literally the only existence available to you in just a few short months!
TAKE THIS MOMENT TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE
At Hillcrest, we’re constantly communicating our message using the latest tech. Download our app to chat with church leaders, watch our latest music videos, and read testimonials from believers, including a special message from celebrity ‘Crester, Rob Schneider!
Our sermons are designed to inspire the next-generation of empowered faith leaders — until June 2018 when congregants from all over the world will meet outside the holy city of Kirkuk. There, we will leap into the Eternal Fire of the Baba Gurgur, the fiery furnace of King Nebuchadnezzar, to awaken S’nathrokhan the Unawakenable!
If you’ve been searching for a church that accepts you for who you are, join Hillcrest. Soon. Because S’nathrokhan’s devastating ruination of mankind waits for no one. No matter who you are!