Before we begin, you need to know that everything you say in this meeting is company property. It can and will be reported to the Senior Vice President of your department, who I see is Mr. Richmond. He is currently away on his monthly vacation, and therefore cannot approve any changes agreed upon in this meeting. Also you should know that, since it is after six and this isn’t technically work, you will not be receiving overtime pay. I, however, am working, and will be paid time and a half.
Now that the legal jargon is out of the way, how I can continue to screw you? As you are well aware, my role as Human Resources Manager is to protect the company from volatile and unstable employees at all costs. I am not implying you are either. This is the perfect opportunity to utilize the conciliatory language we learned in last week’s three-day/nine-hour seminar. I feel like you may be an angry and unpredictable man, and I hope you will agree that this makes your requests unacceptable.
I see here on your deal memo that you are marked down as “to be screwed.” If you believe this is a miscategorization, I ask that you consider why you signed the form in the first place. If you did not believe you should be screwed, you should have read more carefully. The company is not liable for damages incurred by an employee’s inability to read all four binders of the employment agreement. If you wish to contest your “to be screwed” status, please fill out form 3-90B, “Request to No Longer Be and Purgation of To-Be-Screwed status.” This form will take six to eight weeks for processing, and is often thrown into the trash whilst the Senior Vice Presidents laugh at the picture they have of your penis.
Yes, we received your complaints regarding this picture. However, it was obtained legally via the spyware we have installed on your home computer. You agreed to authorize this software in perpetuity by checking your email on your home computer. You will find further information on how you have already agreed, and how we will continue to screw you via your home computer, in footnote 399 of your deal memo.
I see here that you are in account management, Mr. Jones. Oh? It’s Smithputter? I’ll just call you Alex. Well, that’s the name on your deal memo. Legally, and to this company, you are Alex Jones. Yes, that would explain the emails.
Regarding your query on section nine of your pre-meeting form, I regret to inform you that the company is unable to reimburse you for the ticket received whilst driving your Senior Vice President home. Since the trip was made after 9 PM, it was technically after reimbursable hours, and the company is under no obligation to pay out. Yes, we are well aware that driving is not part of your job duties, but haven’t you ever heard of a personal favor? At least Mr. Richmond knows your name now, Alex. We’re going to overlook this one.
You will find a summary of this meeting on your desk in the morning, or perhaps some time in the late afternoon, either tomorrow or the next day. We regret that your summary from our previous meeting was destroyed, but pursuant to section twelve of your pre-meeting form, we cannot move your desk to a less dangerous location, as the toucan appears to be furious. If you would like the toucan removed, please re-file your deal memo to remove your “to be screwed” status.