“More than being lampooned as a press secretary who makes up facts, it was Spicer’s portrayal by a woman that was most problematic in the president’s eyes, according to sources close to him.” — Politico.com February 6, 2017
“Rosie O’Donnell, a longtime foe of President Donald Trump, says she’d be up for playing his chief strategist, Steve Bannon, on ‘Saturday Night Live.’”— CNN.com February 7, 2017
I am an anthropomorphic lady jar of mayonnaise and would like to humbly offer my services to play the President’s Senior Counselor, Steve Bannon on Saturday Night Live should Rosie O’Donnell fall ill or otherwise become unavailable.
Since he has become part of the national conversation, numerous friends, colleagues, and associates have expressed their disbelief at how thoroughly I resemble Bannon. Like Bannon, I am thick and creamy and greasy and white and clumpy. Like Bannon, I have a sheen that belies my corrosiveness. Like Bannon, my personality is nothing more than an emulsion of oil, egg yolk and vinegar, and I generally consist of 70-80% fat. Like Bannon, I have little nutritional value and am calorically dense.
I am ready and eager to parlay this resemblance into a relationship that mutually benefits SNL and me.
You are probably asking, how do I know that I am a lady jar? Well, for one, I have female mayonnaise reproductive organs. I also have a set of mayonnaise bosoms, like Bannon. Furthermore, the sheen which emanates from my emulsification process is a radiance that is altogether feminine. This femininity will surely irk the “so-called” President.
I am enclosing a DVD of some recent performances I’ve done in my anthropomorphic condiment community theater. Included are snippets of my cross-gender performance in The Producers where I flawlessly play Franz Liebkind. (Reviews typically said that I outshone even the anthropomorphic jar of gefilte fish who played Max Bialystock); as well as my performance as Maria in the anthropomorphic condiment community theater production of West Side Story (it should be noted that I beat out an anthropomorphic jar of Sriracha for this role).
Like Bannon, I fancy myself superior to others with little to no justification for so doing. I am a simple, monochromatic (but always white, cream, or pale-yellow) condiment upon which people have customarily relied without ever asking themselves why. Do I really make things better? Do I really augment your lives sufficiently to warrant the caloric intake? Are there not better, more colorful, more sophisticated, better educated, zestier, friendlier, more flavorful and ultimately less corrosive to one’s stomach lining condiments out there? Which is to say, I am adept at fooling people. Perhaps it is the way I overpower with sheer coverage. Perhaps it is the force of my smell; or just momentum. Regardless, I am perfect to play Bannon!
A little more bit about me, I am one of those giant anthropomorphic jars — I’m probably technically more of a tub or a keg — of mayonnaise; the ones you buy at Costco or Sam’s Club to feed a mayonnaise-craving family of 12 for a week. I am no Fred Astaire, but can dance with some adeptness should the cold open be a musical number. At parties, friends are always remarking about my comedic timing. I am just awesome! I was born and raised in upstate in Pennsylvania. While I have no experience with the alt-right, I do sort of instinctually and inexplicably fancy myself the superior condiment despite the fact that I am nothing more than a giant tub of white emulsified pus.
(Interesting side note: I have heard that I smell like Steve Bannon smells as well.)
I’m sure Rosie O’Donnell will be a fine addition to the show as Bannon. But please contact me should she become unavailable and you find my credentials suitable.
At the risk of overstepping, there are a number of members of my anthropomorphic condiment community theater who would make great additions to the show. I know an anthropomorphic lady jar of ranch dressing with freakishly tiny hands who is the spitting image of Trump should Alec Baldwin become unavailable. And an anthropomorphic man jar of tartar sauce which — if you put a wig on it — is the spitting image of Kellyanne Conway. We also have a cadre of anthropomorphic lady cheeses (Boursin, cream, and cottage) who would be delighted to play Don Jr., Eric and Mike Pence should you deem it necessary.