Thank you for your application to The Cloaca, the first coworking and community space designed exclusively for men. We’re excited to inform you that your application — which was incomplete, barely coherent, and completely ignored our guidelines — has been accepted.
As a member, you’ll have access to the many amenities offered in Cloaca locations above GameStops throughout the country. In keeping with our mission, these spaces have been carefully curated to appeal to the male sensibility and also using whatever furniture we had left over from college. Upon entering one of our lobbies, all visitors are greeted by the music of Steely Dan played at a volume just quiet enough to be drowned out with your patronizing explanations of the band’s recording techniques. Internet access is also available and can be found by searching for whichever discoverable Wi-Fi channel has the most unbearable Rick and Morty pun. The password is your favorite Vince Vaughn movie.
To gain access to members-only areas, please sign in at the front desk by providing the name of the podcast you and your buddies are planning to start as soon as you “get a better mic.” Once entered into our system, you will receive your complimentary set of way too many keys dangling from a carabiner. If you’re planning to utilize The Cloaca as a coworking space, feel free to secure a desk the way you would anywhere else: by simply taking one without asking. You’ll know whether a desk has already been claimed if there’s a neglected houseplant or unread copy of The Art of War on it. Standing desks are not available, but we still encourage members to loudly ask for one so others can hear how you’re a “standing desk kind of guy.”
Most Cloaca locations also include on-site gyms and locker rooms which offer a space for members to work out and refresh. Lockers can be rented on a monthly basis and contain two hangers — one for each of the dress shirts you own in total. Bathrooms are restocked daily with nearly-empty bottles of hand soap that have been refilled with water to prolong their lifespan, and our maintenance staff ensures that sinks are perpetually coated in beard trimmings. Additionally, members may borrow a single hand towel that never gets washed and is too small to cover one’s body. Showers come equipped with an array of gigantic bottles of drug store shampoo and bars of Irish Spring that have been whittled down to measly, unusable slivers covered in hair.
We’re also proud to offer communal kitchens in nearly all Cloaca locations. This includes access to a full bar stocked with the scotch you had at dinner once, mispronounced while ordering, and haven’t stopped recommending to people even though it actually hurts your throat. Water is available throughout The Cloaca in any of the dozens of partially-filled plastic cups emblazoned with Taco Bell or NFL team logos. And please also feel free to use anything found in the cupboard of our kitchens, such as disgusting protein shakers that have never been cleaned and exactly one pot for making pasta only. There are no colanders.
Unlike many coworking spaces, The Cloaca makes privacy a priority. To this end, phone booths are stationed throughout the building so you can text your friends Barstool Sports memes and videos of people getting injured. You may also use these booths to make calls, but please limit any conversations to thirty minutes or however long it takes the very patient customer service representative on the other end to resolve the problem you yourself created. Cloaca libraries are open to members and contain a wide range of literature. This includes Hunter S. Thompson books with all pages removed except the sections where he describes doing drugs, and three-month-old water-damaged periodicals that smell like bad cologne. Access to VIP areas of The Cloaca is restricted to only any man who walks into them with confidence. Please note that dress codes are strictly enforced in these areas. But if you do not have a fleece vest, one can be provided to you upon request.
We hope you enjoy your membership and encourage others to join. At The Cloaca, we strive to promote diversity by welcoming men in all shades of gingham button-downs. Thank you again for your support, and we look forward to having you barge in on us soon.
The Cloaca Management