Bluu Brooklyn’s Three Miracles:

  • Gwyneth Paltrow’s Baby Names
  • Gucci Sneakers For Babies
  • Supreme Onesies

Bluu Brooklyn’s Calling:

“And The Lord was like, ‘Sup Bluu. I heard you ran a Tumblr about celebrity and Brooklyn babies with cool names and now you’re dead.’ And I was like, ‘Ja’ and he was like ‘Dope. Can u watch them for me?’ and I was like ‘K, what time you home?’ and the Lordeth never answered me.”

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Leah’s Three Miracles:

  • Google Calendars, iCals, or Any Calendar That You Can Color-Code and Sync Across Every Device.
  • Starbucks Online Ordering
  • Moleskine Notebooks

Leah’s Calling:

“The Lord said I, Leah, should look out for the freelancers, even though I’m already looking out for like four other groups and my taxes are going to be a MESS because my miracle income is coming from like twelve different sources, but please stop asking me about healthcare. I wish I could get it for you but I cannot figure out the website forms… did it just close? Why did the enrollment period just close?”

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Barbara’s Three Miracles:

  • Providing Healthcare Coverage Until 26
  • Always Packing Leftovers to Take Back Home
  • Responding to Every Instagram With “Cute Honey! Go Get ‘Em!”

Barbara’s Calling:

“And the Lord said: Let your child choose their own path. But still sometimes sneak 20s into their bag as they go back to New York after the holidays to their open mics and barista jobs.”

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Celena’s Three Miracles:

  • The Recipe On Page 44
  • The Recipe On Page 12
  • The Recipe On Page 89

Celena’s Calling:

“The Lord called on me and said: ‘Celena. Watch over Chrissy Teigen’s cookbook.’ And I said: ‘Should I also watch over Ina Garten’s?’ and he said: ‘No.’"

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Please Note:

This saint was a martyr who died for the cause. He choked on a Crunch Supreme and was texted to his calling as he ascended. He did not perform any miracles on Earth.

Jason’s Calling Texting:

“The Lord texted me and was like: ‘Jason!!!! GET AN EXTRA TAQUITO FOR ME! AND THEN MAKE SURE THOSE CUTE NEW TACO BELLS WITH MARGS ARE OK!!! Also a crunch wrap for Gabriel. Lol archangels never venmo tho, so just don’t expect it.’”

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Kali’s Three Miracles:

  • Facebook Birthday Fundraisers
  • Posts That You Should “Share” So That Everyone Knows What Evils Are Happening In the World
  • Facebook Events For Protests

Kali’s Calling:

“And Lo, the Lord said: ‘Let everyone say whatever they want, but let no one do anything.’ And they did. And it was #blessed.”

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Heather’s Three Miracles:

  • Water Into Wine – Duties: $12.45; Labor: $4.88; Materials: $10.98; Transport: $21.40
  • Healing the Blind – Duties: $8.77; Labor: $7.32; Materials: $8.01; Transport: $12.98
  • Walking On Water – Duties: $7.98; Labor: $14.76; Materials: $22.80; Transport: $13.52

Heather’s Calling:

“The Lord called on me and said: ‘I want you to demystify the miracle process.’ So I do. Because a lot of other patron saints will try and tell you they’ve done a miracle. I’m the one who shows you how those miracles work.”

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Alex’s Three Miracles:

  • Juuls
  • Those Shiny Juuls
  • The New Forest Green Juul

Alex’s Calling:

“And the Lord was like ‘Do an o ring’ and I did. And he said ‘Go forth and protect the vapers on their capers. I didn’t mean to rhyme. I’m sorry if that was weird but seriously, I am God.’ And then I realized that I was smoking weed and it made sense.”

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Steve’s Three Miracles:

  • Full Water Bottles You Forgot You Put In the Car For When You Got Lost
  • Extra Granola Bars You Forgot You Put In the Car For When You Got Lost
  • A Blanket You Forgot You Put In the Car For When You Got Lost

Steve’s Calling:

“And the Lord said, ‘Steve. Are you there? It’s God, from Onstar. You’re dead because you drove off a cliff using apple maps. The road it said you were on was not actually a road and you followed it blindly. You’ve been martyred. Onstar is also dead. We’ll send a car to pick you up and drive you to heaven. You are not allowed to navigate.’"

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Elon’s Three Miracles:

  • Shooting a Car Into Space
  • Me, an Old Guy, Dating Grimes, a Young Woman With Life Ahead of Her
  • Not Getting Shut Down When One of My Self-Driving Cars Went Haywire and Literally Killed Someone

Elon’s Calling:

“I know what you’re thinking. Is this the Elon Musk? Is someone else named Elon? It is me. Elon Musk. I’ve been dead inside for 25 years and now I’m making self-driving cars that kill people by mistake. I haven’t actually been called on by God to watch out for those self-driving cars, but once God realizes that machines have a soul too, he’s going to ask me to do it. I’m just getting ahead of him a little bit.”

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Ilustrations by Sarah Kempa