Congratulations on the purchase of your ham sandwich.

Soon all the pleasures of this delicious sandwich will be yours.

After you complete the 32-step authentication process.

Yes, due to the rise in suspicious sandwich activity, we need to verify it’s really you who will eat this sandwich.

Name and address, please?

Why? To keep you safe, of course. Sandwich fraud is no laughing matter. It can strike when you least expect it.

Thank you. Social security number?

Sorry, that doesn’t match what we have in our system. Can you tell us which of these past addresses you first cried at as a seven-year-old?

Your first dog’s name? You never had a dog? Please adopt a dog to continue. (Don’t forget to name it.)

Again, this is all just to keep your sandwich secure. It may have already fallen into the wrong hands.

Great. Now just click here to prove you’re not a robot. (Oh, “Robots can’t eat sandwiches,” you say? Trust us: it happens.)

Would you like to activate Tongue-ID™ services to eat your sandwich with no waiting? Just takes 27 scans of your tongue. No? Fine, we’ll do it the old-fashioned way.

First, create a password. It must include a minimum of 17 digits, featuring 3 capital letters, 4 exclamations, 5 hieroglyphics, a dash of Sanskrit, and a whimsical reference to your cat’s Zodiac sign.

Please review the CAPTCHA below and identify which of the 9 boxes shows examples of neoclassical architecture with nuanced hints of Breuer’s modernism.

Also, please accept all cookies to continue. (And who doesn’t like a few cookies with their sandwich! Heh-heh! Sorry…)

In the event that you lose your sandwich, would you like to turn on optional Find My Sandwich™ services? Just create a 7-digit pin so that we can “brick” your sandwich remotely if you suffer a suspicious sandwich incident.

Opt-in now to receive hourly email notifications about your sandwich before you eat it!

Would you like to share your eating information with sandwich developers to aid in future versions? (Or are you not interested in advancing humankind’s sandwich progress?)

Great, now enroll in two-factor sandwich activation to keep your sandwich safe from Russian hackers attempting to eat it from afar.

A code has been sent to your phone. Now just enter it on your laptop, desktop, smartwatch, and most frequently used digital sex toy. You have 4.3 seconds to comply.

Ooops, looks like your authentication period timed out. We’ve sent a code to your MySpace account this time. Please log in to retrieve it. Also, you have several messages from DankCowgirl37 you might not want to open.

Would you like to add a three-year warranty? Oh, you intend to eat your sandwich long before then? Hah. That’s what you think.

Uh-oh, our records show that your sandwich is due for a system upgrade. Shall we begin now? Excellent. (It actually begins automatically, for your convenience!)

Download and install time: 45 minutes. Maybe go grab a sandwich while you wait?

Sorry, download unsuccessful. This sandwich will self-destruct in ten seconds.

Just to keep you safe.