Inspired by John Peck’s Classic Rock and ’80s Bands lists

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Sum 41: You have ghosted an employer.

All Time Low: Socially awkward things you said as a 13-year-old are one of the main causes of your insomnia.

Cartel: You wonder about your Tamagotchi.

Dashboard Confessional: You have lost a Hit Clip in a suburban skate park.

Can’t Swim: You have injured someone trying to apply their eyeliner.

Destroy Rebuild Until God Shows: You have attempted and failed to convert a Monster Energy can into a bong.

The Early November: 90% of your cigarettes are bummed.

Hey Monday: Your sexual awakening was Christy Carlson Romano yelling in Cadet Kelley.

Never Shout Never: You consider yourself goth, weather permitting.

Something Corporate: You have thrown up from drinking too much Five Alive.

Sorority Noise: You have thrown up in a Hot Topic.

Forever the Sickest Kids: You have childhood trauma involving a Hot Topic.

Fall Out Boy: You waited until your mid-20s to start dating boys on skateboards.

Get Scared: You are confident you could do a stick and poke tattoo with a kilt pin.

Further Seems Forever: You have a Seeking Arrangement profile.

Hey Mercedes: You have linked toes with a significant other.

Piebald: You have never zipped off your convertible zip-off pants.

Hot Rod Circuit: You believe a day without decorative mesh is a day wasted.

Fireworks: You have wept while watching ancient alien conspiracy theories on YouTube.

Boys Like Girls: You have wept while watching Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives.

The All-American Rejects: You have wept while watching National Treasure.

Jack’s Mannequin: You are actively looking for used PT Cruisers on Craigslist.

Thursday: You need a girlfriend.

The Anniversary: You had a pregnancy scare before you had sex for the first time.

Jimmy Eat World: Guitar Hero gave you chronic carpal tunnel syndrome.

Saves the Day: Bop It gave you chronic carpal tunnel syndrome.

Moose Blood: You have exited an Applebee’s on a stretcher.

Cute Is What We Aim For: You hollowed out a copy of Ulysses to hide drugs from your parents.

Boston Manor: You moved out of your parents’ house mostly to keep a rat as a pet.

The Ataris: You have only worked as a promoter.

Real Friends: You only date promoters.

Northstar: You have eaten a Tide Pod.

Brandtson: You are intrigued by the Flat Earther movement.

The Juliana Theory: You have been dumped in an Urban Outfitters.

Midtown: You have a favorite bathroom stall.

Meg & Dia: You have a favorite serial killer.

Knapsack: The fact that scientists have started finding antidepressants in fish tissue factored into you becoming a pescatarian.

Gwen Stacy: You consider coffee a probiotic.

Matchbook Romance: You have told Alexa to play “Africa” by Toto.

Metro Station: You have sipped cough syrup out of a participation trophy.

Hawthorne Heights: You are saving up for a dirt bike.

Alkaline Trio: Rewatching the episode of The Office where Kevin spills chilli is your most powerful coping mechanism.

The Academy Is…: Your skinny jeans frequently cut off circulation to your legs.

Amber Pacific: You have never verbally expressed interest in a sexual partner.

New Found Glory: You have never taken your phone off low-power mode.

Simple Plan: You know how to make a crop top out of a pair of fishnets.

The Cab: You have read Sylvia Plath’s Ariel waiting for your vibrator to charge.

Panic! at the Disco: You have chain-smoked with a sheet mask on.

The Used: You have snorted cocaine off a copy of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse.

We the Kings: You have cut cocaine with an Olive Garden gift card.

My Chemical Romance: You have ruined several tablecloths playing with candle wax as an adult.

Paramore: You know what emotional labor is.

Tonight Alive: You take great pains to make sure everyone around you knows what emotional labor is.

Good Charlotte: You’re pretty good at tuning out your girlfriend.

Rainer Maria: You have selected crystals as your higher power for AA.

The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus: You use ‘lol’ as punctuation.

Linkin Park: You cannot argue without crying.

The Get Up Kids: You know your dog’s birthdate.

The Promise Ring: You know your dog’s deathdate.

The Rocket Summer: You own at least two Tiffany dog tag necklaces.

Weezer: You own a formal pair of cargo shorts.

Taking Back Sunday: You have recurring dreams about Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2.

Brand New: You have cosplayed as Edgar Allen Poe.

Armor for Sleep: You have cosplayed as Shrek.

Blink 182: You have never paid attention to a DON’T CONSUME ALCOHOL WHILE ON THIS MEDICATION, and everything has gone fine so far, so it’s probably fine.

Tokio Hotel: You’re considering Law School.