Saxophone: You spent a heady and sexually deviant semester in Paris whereupon you stumbled into a live jazz bar and never left.

Viola: You either suffer from unnaturally high self-esteem or extreme self-loathing.

Violin (Soloist): You still believe that force is synonymous with encouragement. You were brought up as an only child, regardless of siblings.

First Violin: You have a strained relationship with your mother and live in fear of child prodigies.

Second Violin: You peaked early and now devote time previously set aside for practice to scrapbooking.

Harp: You refer to letters as “epistles” and have considered joining the Amish community but for their dislike of music.

Clarinet: Prokofiev’s “Peter and the Wolf” was instrumental in your decision to play the clarinet (you are a cat person).

Percussion: You were the angry kid in the school playground until you were diagnosed with ADHD, and the doctor suggested a displacement activity.

Cello: While the rest of your private-school chums were huddled around a box set of ’80s German porn, you were having real sex.

Piano: You keep reminding your shrink that harmony is a purely musical term and not one that can be used in the context of human relationships.

Voice: You speak Italian, German, Russian, and French but are limited to the subjects of incest, homicide, and infidelity.

Flute: You insist on being called a flautist and not a flutist.

Double bass: You are so discreet that all the members of your jazz ensemble think they’re in an exclusive sexual relationship with you. No one knows your name.

Guitar: You’re still figuring out whether it’s the poetry or the music that comes first.

Ukulele: You wanted to make your dating profile more rounded, so you took up the Uke and had online lessons from a precocious toddler in Hawaii. You can play “Hallelujah.”

Turntables and Synthesizer: ‘Music’ is a term you use loosely. In fact, you use a lot of things loosely.

Bagpipes: You often imagine yourself as an extra in Braveheart and you weep easily.

Sitar: For want of a better word, you consider yourself ‘eccentric.’

Accordion: You thought you were unique until you traveled to Europe.

Lute: You serenade your friends down the aisle. Sometimes your lovers, too.

Bassoon: You enjoy being mocked and only laugh at your own expense.

Banjo: You have prolific hair follicles and believe that dramatic tension rises with volume.

Trumpet: You wouldn’t call yourself a nationalist per see, but you do have a patriotic flag for your instrument that you bring out when the occasion calls for it.

Recorder: Your parents neglected your musical talent, but thankfully your school’s music teacher did not.

Xylophone: You are a semi-professional Scrabble player.

Swiss Horn: You own cattle and are apolitical—until it comes to chocolate and watches.

Oboe: You are very self-motivated; it was essential because none of your family wanted this for you. Your spirit animal is a duck.

French Horn: You smoke unfiltered cigarettes and chew licorice tobacco between notes.

English Horn: You prefer nature to people and like nothing more than a frolic in green pastures. Hay is your bedding of choice.

Trombone: You came to terms with being thoroughly uncool, and this is where it got you.

Triangle: You’re a conspiracy theorist, and Pythagoras is your homie.

Harmonica: You suck on this at parties because you don’t smoke or do drugs.

Didgeridoo: You were brought up in a progressive community by people you referred to as ‘comrades.’

Tuba: You’re the scholarship kid.