In the sky, there is the sun and the moon. There is also Roxette. The Marie Fredrikksons of the world burn bright, while the Per Gessles run through the spotlight with terror in their eyes like a small child through a sprinkler. Extrovert and introvert, lead singer and person hiding behind the living room curtain; both are beautiful, both are loved.
This diagnostic will peel back the layers (overcoat, boyfriend shirt, corset) to reveal where you lie on the cosmic spectrum, from Marie Fredrikkson to Per Gessle.
1. You can never have enough:
a) Bed frames
b) Sheets to drape over things
2. How do you deal with a bad day?
a) Put my foot up on a chair, shake my head “no” at the ground, give a single, light pelvic thrust
b) Writhe around on a duvet-less bed under the tendrils of fire-escape shadows
3. Do you like being in the driver’s seat?
a) I like looking off sideways into the distance too much to sit in the driver’s seat
b) HOOD OF THE CAR.
4. What is your biggest regret in life?
a) One time I had too much glug and I went buck-wild singing karaoke on the roof of a low-rise apartment building. I will always regret putting my vocals to Pat Benatar’s backing track. Thankfully, I was wearing sunglasses, so people might not have known it was me.
b) I was walking through a dark parking garage, thinking about my life, and how I let my heart be handed around like a pumpernickel at a party, and how my hopes had turned leaden like an anvil or carjack, and I realized I couldn’t remember where I parked.
5. How about your preferred hair accessory?
a) Headband, worn under reverse mullet
b) Bowler hat, worn over reverse mullet
6. Do you ever say something, and no one hears you, then someone else says the same thing a minute later and everyone is like “YEAHH.”
a) I was just going to say, that totally happens to me all the time
b) I was just going to say, that totally happens to me all the time
7. What’s your favorite pastime?
a) Shredding on cobblestones
b) Painting the air with my hands while singing on cobblestones
8. Do you like the outdoors?
a) Do tunnels count as the outdoors?
b) I like sitting by green screens of the outdoors.
9. What’s your greatest fear?
a) Running in front of the television at the wrong moment
b) I’m fearless
10. What is your favorite hobby?
a) Singing while standing back to back with my best friend
b) Wearing guitars as fanny packs
11. I do my best thinking:
a) While playing sad bocce
b) While touching my neck
Mostly As… You are Per Gessle
You guard your heart fiercely, only letting a select few inside your overcoat. Your dark, brooding tellum is the storm cloud under which you toil, your world is draped in velvet and shadow, your fridge is lacking in condiments. You do it all for Marie.
Mostly Bs… You are Per Gessle’s idealized view of Marie Fredrikkson
Tasty as a raindrop, you can exceed the city speed limit while standing still. As you walk, emotional canals open up in your wake but you are nevertheless bike friendly. You are the living proof that a knife can cut butter. You are a filament, luminous and blonde and full of voltage, and yet one wet evening away from a meltdown.