Are you interested in stimulating conversation about the global economy, literature that is either out of print or in translation, really new bands with music that is unpleasant to listen to, complex French dishes that take several hours of preparation, environmentally sound vacations in places more than ten hours away by plane, and hard recreational drugs?
If so, PLEASE JOIN OUR MOMS GROUP!
If you’d rather talk about anything but your baby, you are one of us and you should request permission to join the listserv, which will be granted after you’ve answered a series of questions confirming that you are truly aware of the world outside children and not a kid-obsessed interloper looking to lecture us or a mother whose other moms groups were all busts. If the latter is you, we’re sorry, but we can’t save you. We are trying to save ourselves.
We meet weekly. New babies are not allowed because, we have to stress this, the group is not about being a mom. It’s about being who we are as people, which is not informed at all by motherhood. We are just a bunch of highly intelligent, curious, adventurous women who have had positive experiences with MDMA and who also happen to have children. We are not just more than moms: we are people with small roommates that sometimes need our help. THAT IS ALL.
If you have experienced regret about having had children, that’s great — a few of us have that in common with you — but it will NOT be one of our topics. We only know about that regret because, a month ago, during our obscure Edith Wharton novels discussion, one member asked if Wharton had had children and when another member confirmed she had not, the one who asked said, “Oh wow, go Edith!” and two other members nodded vigorously.
But we have never discussed this further, NOR WILL WE. Our discussion topics include only rigorous and edifying matters not pertaining to anyone younger than 18 years of age, like, say, the actual efficacy of trade embargoes or certain meters of Indonesian poetry.
If you still feel like yourself, post-baby, and not like a “new person” with “new priorities,” we are your tribe. We do everything the way we did before we had children and that way is the way of most resistance. We do not look for shortcuts. And when we say shortcuts, we’re not talking about debating whether or not strollers make for lazy children (OBVIOUSLY THEY DO); we’re talking about never missing a single Harper’s piece or a New York Review of Books essay; we’re talking about exploring the lesser known villages of Romania and not worrying if the fiat can fit a car seat; we’re talking about responsible raving, as in rave parties, as in no-sleep ON PURPOSE AND ON DRUGS AND ON WEEKDAYS. We believe life can still be lived to the fullest after you have a child if you can completely forget that you have a child for a certain number of hours each week.
If for some reason your partner can’t watch the baby and your babysitter cancels, you can get special permission to bring your child, but you cannot expect us to turn down the Aphex Twin, nor can you expect to have the kind of time you’d have if you hadn’t brought your kid. In fact, you will definitely have a subpar time. Oh, and please do not expect us to comment on how cute your kid is. We can promise your child no more than a hello before the group gets started. Our time is precious, as is yours (although clearly your partner and babysitter didn’t think so)!
Our meet-ups are at 11 pm on Tuesdays in the parking lot or abandoned warehouse of each members’ choosing. If you’ve given birth recently, we suggest bringing your own chair. Most of us, however, prefer to engage in conversation while doing deep squats or pacing, depending on our mood and how much molly we’ve taken. Lying on the ground is discouraged, as it typically results in sleep. The last thing we want to do is sleep! We’re not tired! Being a mom isn’t any more tiring than being a person who is deeply engaged with, and inspired by, society at large! We’re fine! We’re awake! We’re writing this at 1 a.m. and we are ALL FULLY AWAKE.
It is worth noting that just because we don’t talk about motherhood in our group doesn’t mean we are bad mothers. We are exceptional mothers, when we are not being our fully realized non-mom selves. We don’t do anything half-assed, least of all parenting, but we don’t talk about this in the group because this is a moms group for moms who don’t want to talk about being moms.
Also, we’re usually high out of our minds when we meet-up.
Looking forward to seeing you soon, fellow humans!