1. Get a high-paying Hollywood job. Move to Hollywood. Get paycheck. Stay three weeks. Move back to Mississippi! Gotcha!
2. Create a locale by using all the high-scoring letters in Scrabble. Make it hard to spell. Make it even harder to pronounce! Watch as pretentious, drunk people try to pronounce it at parties. Watch closely; it may cause them to pass out. Then smooth your mustache and run over and drink their drink. They will never know!
3. Misspell your name. Put a “u” in it, perhaps. Go only by that spelling from then on. Maybe there is a good reason why you do it, maybe there is a bad reason, but one thing is for sure—you won’t be bothered by the Columbia Record Club anymore. Play your cassette of House of Pain’s “Jump Around” as loud as you want and dance with wild abandon!
4. Put a bag full of dog poop on your neighbor’s porch. Knock on the door. Set it on fire and (although completely drunk already) finish a bottle of Jack Daniel’s as you wait for your neighbor to come out and stomp the fire out. When he doesn’t come out for a good few minutes, slap your head and yell out loud, “That’s my house!” Then pass out on the grass, coincidentally, by a pile of dog poop. Good night!