Hollywood is a merit based system. In 2016 women comprised 7% of directors, 13% of writers, 17% of editors, and 24% of executive producers of the top 250 domestic grossing films. Clearly women aren’t as talented as their male counterparts. It definitely has nothing to do with their refusal to give Harvey Weinstein a massage after he calls a business meeting in his hotel room and answers the door in a bathrobe. They’re simply neither talented nor hardworking enough.
Biological differences should also be taken into account as women have higher anxiety and lower stress tolerance. For example, a women usually gets upset when the gatekeeper of the entertainment industry forces her to watch him soap up his ball sack with a bar of Irish Spring. Men simply don’t become as emotional when they get a lunch meeting that takes place at an actual table.
Let’s not forget another definitely true fact proven by science: women care about feelings, aesthetics, and being agreeable, while men focus on ideas. Ideas like Paul Blart: Mall Cop whose incredible story needed a sequel, creatively titled Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2. When given a budget of 38 million dollars, the brilliant minds of men can’t be stopped. Women just don’t have the same storytelling capabilities and skills to captivate audiences. If they did, they’d also be able to get funding from major studios run by men with decades of sexual harassment accusations under their belt. Perhaps mentorship from men at the top could help women reach more powerful positions. Men like Bill Cosby and Roman Polanski have kindly offered to teach women a thing or two. If only ladies would stop playing the victim and accept the help that these men so generously offer, they too could have great careers in Hollywood.
Truth be told, perhaps women just aren’t cut out for filmmaking and should try television instead. Like at Adult Swim, where all 47 shows on the network were created by men. As the senior executive Mike Lazzo said, ”When you put women in the writers room, you get conflict, not comedy.” If women can’t stop nagging and bickering long enough to have a career in television, maybe they should just slide on over to other areas of media, like covering the news. Sure they may end up working for men like Bill O’Reilly who would masturbate while on the phone with his assistant, suggest that she purchase a vibrator, and force her to listen to the lurid details of his sexual encounters with a cabana masseuse, airline stewardesses, and Thai sex-show workers. But if women keep giving up when faced with the smallest bit of adversity, say like having to listen to their boss fantasize about how he’d like to shower with her and fondle her with a “falafel thing,” they’ll never be able to reach leadership positions in powerful media conglomerates. Resilience is the key to success.
If news is not her cup of tea, perhaps sports coverage is best, where quarterbacks like Cam Newton will be shocked and amused that she knows basic football terminology. Or politics, where the most powerful man in the nation feels comfortable to publicly joke about grabbing her by the pussy. Fine, then go into the lucrative tech industry where the guy one cubicle over is drafting up a memo about her biological inferiority. Okay, the music industry. Dr. Luke’s schedule seems to have cleared up recently. Do literally anything else! What wage gap? Great, then just be a quitter. Give up and wander the streets where one in three women experience sexual or physical violence. Sure, then stay home! Where half of all murdered women are killed by domestic partners. I’m getting pretty tired of this attitude, you must have blood coming out of your wherever.
Look, all we know is that it’s been a level playing field since 1920 when women were granted the legal right to vote. They even got an extra bump in 1972 when Title IX prohibited discrimination on the basis of sex. There’s clearly nothing standing in the way of women other than their own imaginations that men are out to get them. A woman obviously doesn’t care enough about her career if she can’t even sit in a bathroom and watch a movie magnate massage Pert Plus into his thinning head of hair. If she was ambitious enough, she’d show up early with a smile and a warm towel.