It is not worth the while to go round the world to count the cats in Zanzibar.

Rather, one need only come to the woods, a mile from any neighbor, to an Xtreme Park I have built by myself on the shores of Walden Pond, in Concord, Massachusetts. There parking is free and restroom facilities are available, along with such amusements as to make the tallying of Zanzibari cats seem tedious by contrast.

Choose from the following options:

Walden Aerial Transcendence Strike™ 

For the adventurous spirit who would fain leap from the belly of a winged craft, the Aerial Transcendence Strike™ offers one of iron nerves such opportunity as to plunge through the air at one and one quarter hundred miles per hour, in the company of whistling whip-poor-wills and howling hen hawks, as well as one USPA-certified instructor with well-nigh 500 tandem jumps notched in stick. Far below, the skydiver will see the expanse of the bean field, rows some seven miles in length, surging forth as the ground grows nearer, until such time as the parachute blossoms, granting one a leisurely and meditative view usually reserved for wayward balloons. Untethered to the urgent demands of bustling gravity and civilization, one may gain glimpse of the wanton woodchuck that just one fortnight ago plundered and nearly ruined selfsame bean field by such gluttonous nibbling, and, if Nature should so fortuitously assent, set the skydiver’s landing place terminally upon the back of said villainous woodchuck, so as to bestow upon one a more bounteous crop.

Walden Woods 4-Wheel Rippin’™

After landing is made, one may find his or her self in the woods, in a setting of serenity, which even in midday shall have about it the deeply halcyon quality of gloaming. Such a time is perfect to complement said tranquility with the sonorous rumble of a Walden Woods Rippin’ All-Terrain Vehicle, for a riotous romp through the forest, seated upon a plush velvet seat and weaving one’s way among groves of elm and birch. Bolting about will be a menagerie of woodland inhabitants eager to exhibit themselves at every turn, including hares (Lepus americanus), red foxes, squirrels, and other such sylvan creatures, overtaking even the gray wolf as by surprise. Forsooth, the non-conformist may roll through Walden Woods upon the 4-wheelers either in solitude, or better yet, as party to a group of friends—assuming one brings along neighbors—be they poets, fishermen, woodchoppers, plowmen, or other such persons skilled in the way of husbandry, so as to try to keep pace with them, whether along a path well-trod, or a custom route of one’s choosing, for an outing that will have one truly tearing up turf.

Walden Extreme Elimination Paintball™

In the long run, men hit only what they aim at. Therefore, though they should fail immediately, they should aim for each other, in a profoundly epic game of Walden Paintball. Teams of self-reliant individuals will take cover behind shelving rocks, pines, and majestic beaver dams, to gain Shelter from the withering and varicolored fire of the opposing team. No longer in civilized country, masses of marker-toting men will lead their enemies to be pelted into quiet desperation, until they call resignation. While attempting to successfully impress upon the temple of their enemy’s body elimination marks the size of one quarter, protective masks will be of necessity worn by players at all times. Sensible clothing is a must, as it will not be some soiree or legislative ball that participants will be attending. At the Xtreme Walden Goods store one may buy thick pantaloons for 2 dollars and a thick coat for $5.50, though such a person exhibiting a Yankee shrewdness should find it possible to patch together an equally suitable outfit at a nominal cost, assuming it is loose fitting, so as to reduce the impact of the Tippmann Model 98 semiautomatic marker rounds.

Walden Pond Jet Ski Jam™

After a morning spent cruising upon 4 wheelers and dodging pattering suppressive fire, there is no better way to freshen both body and soul than to pay visit to the emerald of Concord, Walden Pond. There one may bathe in cerulean waters of singular clarity. If, perchance, one should notice the day assumes a sudden and unnatural quality of dimness, one would do well to look toward the sky, where cause is likely to be found in the form of a Kawasaki SX-R Jet Ski™ blotting out the sun, astride which will be a pond-goer participating in the Walden Pond Jet Ski Jam, with such tricks being successfully attempted as to make even the perch and pickerels too bashful to leap forth from the water. All Jet Ski waterways lead to the Jam’s climax: the Ramp Jump Competition, in which individuals are given the chance to take their moves to the 8-foot jump ramp at pond’s center, launching themselves on every wave, and finding eternity in each moment.  
And there winners will learn this, at least, by freestyle experiment: that by advancing confidently in a direction extreme, and endeavoring to live the awesome life imagined, they will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.