The only people that’ll be hanging out down here are me, myself, and I. FOREVER.

Nobody’s hanging out in my fake Cheers but me! None of you SNOBS deserve it!

And let me be clear: The Cheers replica in my basement is VERY real and the level of detail with which it recreates the actual set of the show Cheers is ASTONISHING.

“Oh, what’s he been building underneath his house at all hours of the day and night, 24/7, never, ever stopping, never sleeping, always screaming — WHAT’S HE BEEN BUILDING DOWN THERE?!” you asked, your lips sweaty with gossip. My masterwork is unveiled: a simulated Cheers!

Now it is I who will turn my nose up at YOU when I see you waiting in line at the bank, or in line at the Food King, or in line at the Food King’s new LOW-COST COMPETITOR, Food Magician!

“But won’t you need a Woody or a Cliff?”


“Surely you’ll want a Carla down there with you?”

NO! I will be all of the people from Cheers myself! THAT’S RIGHT, I don’t need any of you! I can fire off a zinger with the snooty charm of Shelly Long and then volley it back with the magnetic sex appeal of Ted Danson! I can be clever like Norm or as DUMB AS A FUCKING BRICK like Coach.

“INSANE!” you say!

NO! It is all of you who are insane! I live in a homemade version of the Cheers set! I DON’T NEED TO HAVE A FAMILY!


…we’re all living in a moment that feels scary and uncertain. And we’re dealing with it in different ways. Me, personally, I’ve chosen to retreat into nostalgia and spend all my time in an exact — and I mean a FUCKING EXACT — replica. All the posters and signs in the background are the same. And just like the real Cheers set, none of the rooms have four walls! The whole basement, anywhere there should be a fourth wall, is JUST DIRT. It’s a worryingly detailed fantasy world down there and I honestly feel like it was my life’s work to build it. It even has a pool table in the back.

WHAT’S THAT? Yes, I built the back room of Cheers, too, not just the front part you were probably all thinking I’d built! FUCK YOU!

Posted on the NeighborForum.Com Message Board 8/1/2018 04:47 AM

Now that I think about it, if any of you haughty NINCOMPOOPS want to check out my replica Cheers set… you can. If anything, we should be more open to the people around us, not less.

Please stop by my fake bar whenever. Just bring a smile. And also probably a bucket to piss and shit in, cause I didn’t put in any bathrooms in the exact replica of Cheers I built in my basement.