McSWEENEY'S INTERNET TENDENCY'S PATREON
August 24, 2018
Your $6,000 Purebred Dog Comes With a Few Minor Quirks
- His skin folds on top of itself and is easily infected. To prevent this, bathe him at least twice a week but no fewer than twelve times per week. Use warm water, but don’t make it too warm — if the water’s so warm as to make him comfortable, your dog won’t be able to distinguish his physical form from the surrounding water and his soul will just kind of … float peacefully into the afterlife. Don’t make the water too hot, though, or his skin will peel off in thin strips. Your dog can’t survive in conditions less than 65°F for more than a couple minutes, though, so just keep that in mind. Use warm water.
- You know how most dogs are colorblind? Well, good news: your dog is not colorblind. Bad news: your dog does see tracers, and they’re more intense than anything you’ll find on Google.
- Feeding your dog is easy as baking a cake for someone who hates cake. He’s not allergic to wheat, thank God – he just can’t metabolize wheat and will die if he eats it. You should be alright feeding him Purina dog food, so long as it’s not the kind of Purina dog food that’s sold at stores. If possible, avoid dairy. It’s not a life-threatening issue, but it will almost certainly cause blindness, unshakeable ennui and suicidal tendencies.
- It’s not that he’s always aroused. Sure, he maintains a near-constant erection, but it’s not because he’s aroused.
- So, about breathing. He can’t do it. Because of years of inbreeding, his lungs are purely decorative, and his rib cage isn’t a cage as much as it is a distant memory. Luckily, there are a few hacks that’ll keep your pooch from drowning on dry land. For starters, an iron lung.
- While he technically has three eyes, he can only see out of his fourth eye which, if you can see, you’re doing something terribly wrong.
- Okay, this one’s pretty cool. So, your dog’s heart is three times too small for his body, yet his body requires the blood flow that only a heart three times too large for his body could provide. Crazy, right? There’s nothing you can do about this, though, save for limiting his exercise.
- Take him on plenty of walks. He’s an active breed!
- During your dog’s night terrors, you’ll swear his screaming sounds human. Well, you’re not crazy. His screams are human. Your dog was the first (and last) recipient of a human-to-canine vocal cord transplant. So when your dog screams in the dead of night, you’re actually hearing the howls of 62-year-old Dorothy Velarde, a tax accountant in Topeka who died in a drunk driving accident. Neat!
- By around the age of two, your dog will develop the kind of male-pattern baldness that affects the entire body.
- This isn’t a huge deal, and I hesitate to even bring it up. Just know that your dog’s nose doesn’t function in the way you’d expect it to. And by that, I mean that your dog’s nose is actually its ass. This isn’t all bad, though. If you see your dog butt-surfing around the house, no need to panic – that’s just how it sniffs.
- You’ve heard of echolocation, right? Well, your dog has that, except it’s the kind where he’ll scream Dorothy Velarde’s scream if you’re ever more than 30 feet away from him.
- It’s incorrect to say your dog has brittle bones. It’s more correct to say that your dog’s bones are somehow capable of experiencing sympathy pains, and if one of them breaks, they all break. Pretty amazing, really, when you think about it.
- If you live in a climate where it doesn’t get below 85°F, don’t worry about reading this one. If you do live somewhere where it gets below 85°F, there’s a good chance your dog’s heart will stop during at any time. It’s all good, though – a half hour of CPR and a couple jolts from your strongest defibrillator should do the trick.
- Keep anything blue away from your dog. Also, anything purple. And green. And … possibly red? You’ll know if your dog can’t handle seeing anything red if, upon looking at something red, it has a seizure and dies.
- Your dog’s trips to the bathroom are a little complicated. First off, you’ll need to apply a topical cream to – you know what? It’s probably easier to let him shit on the carpet.
- Your dog has “technically” been dead for 200 years.