I know this looks bad. We’re supposed to be a cutting-edge technology company breaking new ground. And yet, our diversity statistics don’t demonstrate a workplace committed to changing the status quo. It’s embarrassing that women only account for 17% of our employees. But rest assured — even though women are underrepresented at this company overall, they account for a whopping 100% of people who formatted this report.
The report that you’re holding in your hands right now — by the way, we really shouldn’t be printing this kind of thing out. We could just send an email. I mean, it’s the diversity report; no one is going to read it. Anyway, this report that you’re holding in your hands right now was formatted by a team made up entirely of women. Actually, it was just my administrative assistant Tracy and the assistant from the HR department. I don’t remember her name, but I’m pretty sure she was a
girl woman. I don’t know, she might have been an intern. Maybe someone’s daughter. Can I call interns ‘girls’? Nonetheless, those two gals did a bang-up job formatting this report that no one will read. And this report tells us that women comprise a mere 17% of our company.
I realize that at first glance it bodes poorly for women. They’re underrepresented in almost every area of the company, especially in the highest-paying positions. However, one thing this report failed to provide was the demographic breakdown of the team that formatted it. And that team — Tracy and that other girl — is 100% women. That’s an extremely important statistic you shouldn’t overlook.
Listen, I don’t want to hear your complaints about biases in the hiring process. Our hiring practices are fine. If an extremely qualified white man had come along and asked to format this report, we would have considered his application strongly. But none of them asked, and that isn’t my fault. It’s really a pipeline problem. There just aren’t a lot of white men coming out of top schools today who are looking to format reports. It’s probably because they played with blocks as a kid or something, so they assume pretty colors aren’t for them. I’m happy to support any initiative that gets top male candidates in here to format reports, but the one thing I’m not willing to do is lower my standards. Tracy fucking owned the formatting of this report, and I’m not about to take her job away from her for affirmative action reasons.
For a report like this, formatting is key. I can’t praise these women enough. You could even call them the ‘engineers’ of this report, or maybe the ‘CEOs’ of it, but I wouldn’t, because the actual engineers at this company might get mad, and I’m the CEO. Also, if you start saying they’re as good as people who make four times as much money as they do, they’re going to ask for a 5% raise. It always happens, and then things just spiral out of control. First 5%, then 6%, then we’re out of business because, in unrelated news, the tech bubble burst. Still, look at the layout. The paragraphs are short and to the point. They did a great job of spacing things out to make it more aesthetically pleasing. Seriously, someone should have these women take a look at my wife! Just kidding — that was a joke. My wife is still hot.
Yes, I know, only 17% of our company is women. It seems like one way to get more women into this company is to increase the headcounts for teams that already have a lot of women on them. That’s why I’m calling for a 50% increase in staff for any position that requires formatting reports. You heard me correctly — next time there’s a diversity report, I want three women formatting it. Because I, the CEO, care about hiring more women.