Woefully underpaid because of inflation vs. Makes 25 percent more because of inflation.

Five years experience at the company with an intimate knowledge of the department vs. Wants to shake up the status quo without understanding the company or what anyone actually does yet.

Data Analyst vs. Strategic Director of Data Analytics and Integrated Marketing.

Overworked and under-supported vs. Overly schmoozy and getting under your skin with all the probing questions.

Prepares a twenty-slide deck regarding the recent paid search campaign vs. Leans back and says, “I feel like we can do more to tap into current trends, you know? At the influencer level?” Then squints at you for fifteen uninterrupted seconds until a small green droplet secretes from their tear duct.

Cries in the bathroom stall several times a day vs. Never seems to go to the bathroom at all.

Drives a 2013 Toyota RAV4 vs. Rides a weird prototype e-bike to and from a shimmering apartment building you’ve never seen before until last week when those bizarre tremors started.

Is waiting until student loans and credit card debt are paid off before starting a family vs. Talks at length about their beloved Queen and two hundred hatchlings.

Packs lunch from home vs. Goes out to lunch with your boss, then comes back, alone, with a grotesquely distended stomach saying, “The merger is complete,” like you’re supposed to know what that means.

Requests a hybrid schedule to achieve a healthier work/life balance vs. Is literally plugged into their computer all day, eyes rolled back and mouth agape, emitting a super disruptive high-pitched frequency.

Desperately needs the company to backfill a position you’ve been covering for six months vs. Somehow has twenty-five tiny insect-like creatures now working under them on some impending takeover your boss never mentioned to you before.

Well-manicured and professionally dressed vs. Sprouts six razor-sharp forearms during a client meeting and decapitates WorkMarket’s VP of Sales without offering any sort of postmortem.

Hasn’t received their direct deposit in a month vs. Somehow can afford a giant spaceship that’s hovering over the building extracting all known neutrinos across the eastern seaboard. And where the hell is your boss? It’s been three weeks. The workload is just getting more hectic, and dozens of oversized sweating eggs are suddenly fastened to the ceiling like stalactites. And where is Deborah? Or Greg for that matter? Is the entire office out today?

Finally puts in their two weeks vs. Offers you a job at their new startup making triple the salary, but the commute is like thirty-nine light-years away, and once you convert the neutrinos to dollars, you barely come out ahead.