Jake, son, have a seat. As you know, your mom and I have been having problems lately, and I’m sorry to say we’re splitting up. This change will be really hard, but to make it easier to understand I’ve designed a beautifully intuitive infographic.

Maybe you thought your mom and I were just going through a rough patch but, as I explain in this embedded flash video, after I met Janine there was nothing we could do to salvage our relationship. Here, you can click through to see her Instagram profile. I think you’ll be proud of me, Jake!

To help you through this transition, I’ve made the graphics on this chart as responsive to your pain as possible. The whole layout looks like a map of New York City: the divorce settlement is shaped like Staten Island; Queens includes all the fun stuff you’ll get to do with your mom now that I’m not here to play catch with you or show you how to ride a bike; and Brooklyn represents how happier and younger I will feel with my new family.

I’m moving to Brooklyn, by the way. Janine just got this great internship at a leather tanning company in Greenpoint—hence the heart on the Nassau stop. She feels really good about it. This 3-D map visualization I made in ArcGIS shows just how far away you’ll be from me. It’s about 300 miles, but you can come visit on long weekends.

There’s a flowchart around the border that walks you through the little details, like court dates, child support, alimony. You may have to testify, but don’t worry about that yet. Pay attention to this animation I included showing the little avatar family separating. See how the tall male avatar is walking away, looking as though an enormous emotional weight has been lifted off his muscular shoulders? That was so hard to create. The coding alone!

In this floating transparent text box is a list of emergency numbers, aunts, uncles, child therapists, and the like. I debated between Helvetica Neue and Georgia Bold, but I wound up going with with Arial Black. I mean, KISS, right? If you look closely (in the Bronx section), you’ll see this expertly disjointed pie chart that shows how much time we will be spending together from now on. Look at the hover highlighting on that image; that was like five hours on one visualization alone. That’s also roughly how much time we have every other week or so, what with the drive and all.

I’ll be honest with you, son. This wasn’t easy. Compressing the entire history of my marriage into one compendium timeline with graphics that just pop right off the screen was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I mean, after settling on leaving my wife and child, the toughest decision, really, was choosing between Illustrator or GIMP. They each have so much going for them.

But, regardless, the important thing you need to know right now is that I love you, and even though your mom and I are no longer together, you can always count on this infographic for support.