Dear employee,

This is to inform you that Human Resources has received your written statement titled “Notice of Resignation.” We regret to inform you that your request for employment termination cannot be accommodated at this time.

In previous years, our department has followed a liberal policy of accepting the two weeks’ notice of employees for a variety of recorded reasons, including but not limited to “perilously low employee morale,” “deliberately unsafe working conditions,” and “this place is a clown show run by clown monkeys.” We understand that you are basing your resignation on the precedence set by these previous departures.

Unfortunately, it has been brought to our attention that the success of this non-retention policy was commensurate with your continued absorption of an increasingly higher workload without a corresponding increase in compensation. Releasing you from employment would result in a substantial decrease in company productivity and require considerable expenditures toward hiring multiple employees to replace you (please see attached line graph).

Furthermore, your recent performance review indicates that over the course of your employment, you have become the sole holder of valuable insider secrets that we cannot allow to leave the company. These include the location of paper towel and ink cartridge refills, how to load and turn on the dishwasher, and the name of the maintenance man. By leaving, you would force us into the awkward position of having to communicate with him ourselves, which we’re uncomfortable doing, having drawn the conclusion that he’s vaguely ethnic looking and therefore might not speak English. After careful consideration, we have determined that it is in the company’s best interest to reject your resignation.

Please coordinate with your supervisor to ensure that your potted plants and photos of your godson are returned to your desk in a timely manner. The attached PDF further details the company’s policy regarding your never, ever quitting. This policy is effective immediately (a copy is also available on the shared drive and will be presented at the upcoming shareholders meeting).

Over the years, we’ve appreciated your commitment to toiling tediously and ceaselessly, without hope of recognition or promise of reward, and we count on your continued dedication in doing so. On behalf of the company, we would like to thank you for your attention to this matter and continued employment. We wish you success in your future endeavors; namely, returning to your desk promptly and never leaving it again.

Your Human Resources Department

Please also note: As a result of the unexpected cost of hiring a contractor to produce line graphs, the company is entering an employee pay freeze, to be in effect indefinitely.