This evening’s program includes the projecting of images onto the screen you currently see before you. The lights will be eventually dimmed for proper viewing. This will be your film, to use the rarefied term, or as it came to be known during the height of its popularity in the United States, movie.
Once the show begins, the audience, with eyes remaining open, will pay witness to a story told in light, desire, slow-motion gunfire, disturbingly intense plot linchpins and magic. It is our firm belief, that everyone, no matter their prior experience with feature-length material, can enjoy a movie. Indeed, we are not afraid to suggest that the medium is very much alive and well today.
None of it, however, would be possible without your continued support. With ticket revenue often falling short of covering production costs, we now turn to individual philanthropy to help make up the difference. Therefore, as part of our ongoing commitment to excellence, we’ve launched an exciting charitable donations program that provides new opportunities to get closer to the action. There are more ways than ever to play a life-sustaining role for the movies.
Screenwriter Helpers
Beginning at an annual donation of $100, members of the Screenwriter Helpers forge an intimate relationship with the film. Much of this money goes to educating the public about the importance of filmed entertainment in all of our lives. Whatever is left over after taxes is given directly to the brilliant minds who first conjured this exalted vision of a world just beyond our reach. We also acknowledge the screenwriters. Indeed, we leave that job entirely to these cherished members. As a take home souvenir, all Screenwriter Helpers receive a download of the film pre-loaded onto a USB key. We ask in advance that you refrain from remarking that the feature’s popular online video parody that we’ve all forwarded around was more enjoyable than the feature itself.
The Auteur’s Circle
Join this privileged group by giving a donation in an amount agreed upon during a scheduled lunch meeting. Your contribution will then be matched, dollar for dollar, by various foreign investors. These members see the program through the eyes of the director. Quite literally, since you will be mailed complimentary state-of-the-art eyewear that enables you to view the film as the director originally envisioned, before those existing outside his own imagination sullied it. Also, for an additional nominal fee, the director will sit beside you during the film, checking in ten-minute intervals on your current state of amusement. As an added benefit, you will have Nicholas Cage fully explained to you.
The Ingénue’s Clique
Fans making weekly donations on a fluctuating scale get full immersion in the film as members of this pampered set. The more interesting among you are written into the script and referred to during the montage sequence. Off camera, the promising female lead shares all her personal gossip with you, regardless of whether or not the information is then deliberately leaked to tabloids. She will also consult with you about wardrobe and orphan adoption changes. Perhaps most importantly, the cast and crew will throw the wrap party in each and every members’ home. Up to 20% of the repair cost due to fire damage will be covered. By the end of the evening, you will realize how truly significant your own personal drama is in the larger scheme of things.
The Unconscious Collective
It would be premature to talk about money here. Once you enter into this elite stratum you are let in on the secret to suspending disbelief in any story you are told, provided that story’s intended demographic is fairly obvious. You will also learn the trick to applying a false sense of closure to most of life’s more complicated problems. Following this, you’ll be allowed, and then asked, to craft the teaser campaign for the months leading up to one of the year’s major releases. Should it fail to meet expectations, we will ensure that your name is forever synonymous with the project worldwide. All members of this group are contractually engaged to be married to John Travolta, an agreement that forms the financial base for our lofty artistic and cultural goals. Because it is not yet too late to believe that a singular dream can be shared by many. Though not every movie is a success, no one can predict what will one day become classical.
We appreciate your generosity and understanding. In the meantime, please enjoy tonight’s performance of The Situation vs. The Wizard Girls Gone Wild: Sloppy Seconds. And thank you for supporting the Arts.