To the Grocery Store

So here’s what you do, you take a right at the end of this street. When you get to the place, it used to be a VFW — now it’s some sword-throwing bar? I dunno if I trust beer and swords together, but the kids seem to like it. Bang a left there and keep going three lights until you get to the coffee shop that used to be Dunks, now the coffee’s five and a half bucks and tastes sour. They call it a “pour over” but I think it’s overly poor. Get it? Anyway, you take a right. Go past the old Blockbuster. Grocery store is right next to it — used to be a nice family-owned business. The guy lived right down the street from here and his brother lived next door. Now it’s a Whole Foods. Hope you like fancy fake cheese. Seems to me it should be cheaper than the real stuff, don’t you think?

To the Post Office

Go left, down to where they just put in that green city bike dock. Try not to hit anyone on those bikes that people leave everywhere now, they’re all over the place and no one uses them right. We’re getting some kind of electronic scooter now too. What happened to walking? Too much work for you kids? Take a right until you get to the big sign that says SPEAKEASY — used to be my Knights of Columbus order. I’ll spare you the details of when they made me eat a goldfish. Take a left. It’s next to the place that only sells bowls of rice with vegetables. I don’t know the name, but you should be able to smell the garlic from your car.

To the Hardware Store

Oh, that’s really close. You could probably walk there, but I wouldn’t — that part of the neighborhood isn’t exactly great. That’s why I can still afford my property taxes! But as soon as we get the new bubble tea shop up the street, I’m listing this place and moving to Myrtle Beach. OK, you wanna try walking? Fine. So keep walking down this street. When you get to the old candy warehouse where they’re putting in those new condos and you’ll see a big mural of something — I think it’s an octopus or an alien. I dunno, it’s green and has eyes. The hardware store is across the street.

To the Community Art Collective

The what?

To the Bank

Do you want a bank with a teller or an ATM? You just want cash for the dispensary? OK, so the closest dispensary is actually in the old Bank of America building but they kept the parking lot ATM. Just head south towards downtown but take a left at the empty Toys “R” Us. I can’t believe they haven’t put anything in that space yet! Must be because of Amazon. I know how to do it on my phone now! You like my rug? I bought it on the toilet. You can buy anything on the toilet these days. You won’t be able to miss the dispensary. Smells like the boiler room from my high school. But those were the ’60s. You graduated high school in what year? Oh, 2010? You’ll love it here. People still talk to each other occasionally and the diner just started making avocado toast. I’ll tell you something: it’s not bad.