The Believer Magazine
Articles by
Kurt Zemaitaitis
Kurt is a musician and comedy writer originally from Chicago currently residing in Rhode Island. He has written for Slackjaw, Points in Case, The Daily Drunk, Robot Butt, and other sites.
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May 23, 2023End-of-Year Dorm Move-Out Procedures That Will Make This Anything But a Smooth Process
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June 23, 2022Before You Enjoy Your Summer, Here Are Some Minor Budget Cuts for Next Year’s High School Music Program
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November 18, 2021An Oral History of John Philip Sousa’s Band, the Hardest-Partying Eighty-Piece Marching Band Ever
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October 21, 2021Due to Current Travel Mandates We’ve Decided to Make COVID-19 Testing at Our Airport a Complete Nightmare
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September 30, 2021Rick Steves Casually Reviews Dangerous Fantasy Locations
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August 30, 2021Guidelines for New Adjunct Faculty to Help You Feel Kind of Welcome
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June 7, 2021Cursed Volcano Or Not, We’re Buying This House Sight Unseen
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February 5, 2025Here at DOGE, We’ve Streamlined Every Aspect of America’s Collapse
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October 11, 2006Back from Yet Another Globetrotting Adventure, Indiana Jones Checks His Mail and Discovers That His Bid for Tenure Has Been Denied
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February 4, 2025An Accurate Organizational Chart of Your University
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January 27, 2025Executive Order: We Must Stop Everyone from Transitioning, So the President Knows Who to Grope
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February 10, 2025Voting for the Mayor Who Promised to Blow Up the City Doesn’t Mean I Approve of the Mayor Blowing Up the City
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February 10, 2025A Note from the Contractor Working on Robert Plant’s Ambitious Home Remodeling Project
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February 7, 2025More Politically Neutral End Zone Slogans for the NFL
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February 7, 2025Excerpts from The Believer: An Interview with Martine Syms