Thanks for choosing to fly overseas during one of the most challenging times in recent history. Since every state and country has its own complicated set of rules that we’re required to enforce, we are pleased to offer two understaffed testing sites located in wildly inconvenient areas of our enormous facility.
Even though there are two testing sites, you can get a COVID test only at one of them, which is chosen at random. We’re not sure the exact hours they will be open, but you can bet it’ll be sometime after your flight is scheduled to depart.
To make an appointment on our website, just scan the QR code that’s cleverly hidden throughout the airport. If you find yourself in one of the areas with no lighting and it looks as if it’s under construction, you’re probably pretty close.
It’s recommended that you first check-in at the testing site near Terminal A. If that site happens to be closed, search for the one near Concourse F, but you’ll still need to check-in at Concourse A before, even though there won’t be anyone there. The map near the crowded restrooms should help you find both sites, where you will learn that it takes over forty-five minutes to walk to each of them.
Please note that we also offer several tests that are not accepted by any airline flying to any country. You’ll learn about that after you wait hours in line for your boarding pass.
Use your time wisely and fill out all fifteen pages of tiny PDFs on your phone while you ignore the fact that you’ve been unable to go to the restroom all day. It’s also probably a good idea to have several phone chargers handy since the painfully slow Wi-Fi will drain your battery as you jump back and forth between tabs trying to locate detailed personal information about your health history and trip.
The test costs $225 per person, which you find out about immediately after getting tested. We are charging you this much because we know the results from the free test you got from your local drugstore didn’t come in on time. Don’t worry; we don’t accept insurance.
We realize that the cost of our tests is high. For this reason, it would be great if you could please help by purchasing an additional test and donating it to someone who cannot afford one. If you can afford to fly to Europe, you can probably afford an extra test. Please don’t make us or the government pay for it. We’d rather place the charitable responsibility solely on you. We won’t actually donate it, but the charitable act will sort of make you feel good.
If you want to feel even better, know that insurance isn’t accepted at European airports either. But the cost for the same tests is $200 cheaper.
We offer six different tests for COVID at our sites: the Antigen Rapid Result Test, the PCR Super-Fast but Dangerously Inaccurate Test, the Ultra-Slow Eight-Day Result Test, the Medium Result / Medium Accuracy Test, and the PCR Sort-of-Quick and Meh-Accuracy Test. Each requires different body parts to swab. Choose whatever test you’re most comfortable with by waiting in one of the many unmarked lines, even though picking the wrong one will completely derail your flight plans.
Regardless of which test you select, we’ve perfectly timed it so that results will be provided two minutes after your flight leaves without you. This is why we recommend arriving approximately twenty-four hours before your departure time.
Lastly, please do not be rude to our testing site employees. They don’t need to be treated poorly just because they’re underpaid and have worked only sixteen-hour days without breaks for entitled travelers like you for the past year.
Oh, and once you land, try to find the QR code for the testing location at your destination just in case you catch COVID during your six-hour fully-booked flight.