I’d like to welcome this year’s new adjunct faculty to our university. You will need to log on to our web portal as soon as possible in order to upload materials and enter grades. Here are some quick tips to get you started.

Following this email, you will receive a temporary password to log in. That is not the real password. That one is used to thwart any would-be hackers. The real password will be in the third email you receive after that one. Please note that all these emails are sent by an automated bot and might not arrive at the order intended, so we recommend checking the timestamps so you can tell which one was the real password.

Adjunct faculty can only log on to the university’s intranet with a campus computer located in the student lounge/adjunct faculty center. You will need a security badge to enter, which you will receive after completing your retina and fingerprint scan at our downtown security office. That office is currently in the process of moving, and once we know where that is we will provide a map in a separate email which will be from an unknown sender and contain a blank subject line.

You can use either of the two adjunct-faculty computers in the back corner of the lounge/adjunct center, next to the snack machines. There is a sign-up sheet on a clipboard that’s maintained by the RA of the adjacent dorm. If the sign-up sheet is missing, ping him on Instagram @DrunkFishFaceBeer69. If he doesn’t respond, just yell out his username. Someone will know where he is.

If your class is taught online, you will be loaned an instructor laptop to use only while in the building. Adjunct faculty are responsible for providing their own battery, extension cord, and VPN subscription. You should be able to find these items at the bookstore if you get there before anyone else. Please budget accordingly since batteries aren’t cheap, and the power cords will stop charging after a while.

If you forget your password or enter it incorrectly one time, you will need to go to the IT department at our suburban campus and request to have another password mailed to this campus. Adjunct faculty mail is delivered once a month and stored in a shared, unmarked bin in a room behind the tenured professors’ mailboxes. If it’s your turn to hold the key and pick up mail that week, great. If not, please coordinate with the other adjuncts who have wildly different class schedules than you. Do not enter the tenured professor mail area.

Since we employ so many full-time tenured professors, we cannot accommodate the adjuncts on the faculty server. Adjuncts must use the same server as our 50,000 students, which can cause some major lag time when inputting information, sometimes up to twenty-four hours. If you notice that your information was not entered after a twenty-four-hour time period, simply reenter the information.

When inputting grades, select the student’s name from our invisible dropdown menu and type in the student’s earned grade. At the same time, hold the mouse button down while typing the university’s motto: Simplex sigillum veri. (“Simplicity is the sign of truth.”) This security safeguard must be done for each grade you enter or nothing will be saved.

That’s it. Super easy, right? If you have any questions, please ask any of our tenured professors, but only during their posted office hours.