Teddy Wayne is the author of the novels Kapitoil and The Love Song of Jonny Valentine.
BY TEDDY WAYNE
Do unto others as they would do unto you, except for Chris. He’s going through a really rough patch right now, and it’d be great if you could do unto him a little better than he does unto you, and take the way he does unto you with a grain of salt. Even though you don’t know him too well, I bet he’d appreciate a call. I know, no one calls anymore, but a text wouldn’t carry the same weight. But don’t tell him I told you to call him, or else it won’t mean anything. Why would you be calling him, then? You’re right, we have to come up with a reason. Man, I don’t know. You accidentally dialed him, but now that he’s on the line, hey, what’s up? Ah, you don’t even have his number, so that doesn’t make sense… Okay, you know what, fuck it, just send him a Facebook message asking how he is, and when he brusquely replies without asking how you are, keep in mind that thing I originally said about doing unto others as they would do unto you, with him as the exception.
SUGGESTED READSTeddy Wayne’s Unpopular Proverbs: Reciprocity
by Teddy Wayne (5/10/2010)
How to Make Your Own Proverbs
by Russell Bradbury-Carlin (1/8/2004)
List: Rethinking Horse Proverbs
by Joseph O'Brien (5/3/2004)
RECENTLYSo You Want to Get Into an MFA Program: A Decision Tree
by Rebekah Frumkin (9/16/2014)
A McSweeney’s Books
by Courtney Moreno (9/16/2014)
Monologue: Alexander Graham Bell Has Had Just About Enough of Your Shit
by Charlie Stockman (9/16/2014)
POPULARClassic Movies Changed to Not Be Sexist
by Blythe Roberson (8/14/2014)
Hello Stranger On the Street, Could You Please Tell Me How to Take Care of My Baby?
by Wendy Molyneux (8/16/2012)
Best Joke Ever: Mitch Hedberg: Hippie Martian Zen Genius
by Mark Peters (8/28/2014)